5 Signs You’re in Subfrenzy | 30 Days of D/s
We’ve talked a LOT about subfrenzy around here. For good reason: when in the throes of it, submissives can put themselves in dangerous situations or misread reality. Sometimes it’s harmless, and a submissive is just really intense about their new dynamic. Like new relationship energy on steroids.
Ultimately, submissives tend to behave in ways they otherwise wouldn’t, which can definitely be a problem for long-term expectations and managing a D/s relationship.
So let’s talk about what subfrenzy can look like.
Subfrenzy, by loose definition, is an excitement to submit that’s so strong that you ignore all else. One of the things that gets ignored is when the other person isn’t the right fit. A submissive may try to twist themselves into knots to be what the other person needs. They may also convince themselves that, “This is what BDSM is, and I just have to adjust.”
In any power exchange, no matter the dynamic or how you play, both partners should be compatible, just like in any other relationship. This isn’t the only Dominant you’ll ever meet, and you don’t have to change yourself into a new person to be a “good” submissive.
If you don’t fit well together, you haven’t failed. You simply haven’t met the right person yet.
Yes, it’s exciting as fuck to finally be able to submit. And it’s easy to worry you’ll never get the opportunity again. But the “fun” wears off quickly when you’re with someone who’s not a good fit.
The time and energy spent in a relationship that’s not right for you can fuck with you, though. A lot of submissives wonder if they’re not “real” submissives, or if power exchange isn’t right for them.
Not because they tried it out and it didn’t work. But because they tried it with someone who’s dominance didn’t fit their submission.
Ignoring Red Flags
This is the most common thing I see in subfrenzy. A submissive reaches out, rattles off a laundry list of red flags (a full color guard of red flags in the middle of a fucking parade of them), and then wants to know if they’re being overly sensitive.
There are a LOT of differences between healthy kinky and non-kinky relationships, but there are some major commonalities: caring about the other person, open communication, compromise, not gaslighting, not ghosting, not making you feel like crap.
When you notice behaviors that make you feel bad about yourself or make you doubt yourself as both a person and a submissive, that’s not “just how it is in BDSM” — that’s some bullshit, fucked up behavior of someone who’s waving their red flags out in the open.
You don’t have to put up with it “just because you’re a submissive.” Submissive doesn’t mean doormat, and Dominant doesn’t mean uncaring asshole. (Outside of carefully negotiated scenes where they play that role temporarily.)
If you wouldn’t accept the behavior in a vanilla relationship, never accept it in kink. No matter how “hardcore” the fantasy of BDSM seems, it’s always, always about two people respecting and caring for each other.
Thinking Your Dominant is Perfectly Perfect
The other side of ignoring red flags is to only see the good. This can look like a lot of things, but it often means idolizing your Dominant so much you put them on a pedestal. They’re a paragon of control and dominance. They are the most perfectly perfect human being you’ve ever met.
That’s a beautiful sentiment, and I love a kinky love story as much as the next person. But no one is perfect. Not even your Dom.
They’re going to make mistakes. They’ll fuck up at some point. That doesn’t automatically mean they can’t be trusted, but it does mean you need to judge and assess situations for yourself.
A red flag from a Dominant is when they tell you they can do no wrong because they’re in charge. (Insert me flipping that person the bird.) A sign of subfrenzy is you refusing to believe they can ever fuck up — even when they tell you they definitely can.
When you put someone on a pedestal, there’s only one way for them to go. (Down.)
While they’re on that pedestal, you may neglect facing and dealing with actual issues in your relationship. Once they fall from that pedestal, you may not be able to handle the reality of their imperfection.
If you find yourself thinking, “They’re perfectly perfect in every way,” ask yourself if they really are or could you possibly be in subfrenzy?
Moving Too Quickly in a Relationship
All kinksters on either side of the slash can get caught up in the excitement of getting their kink on, so it’s not just a submissive thing or a subfrenzy thing. But it’s definitely a hallmark of the frenzied experience.
You just met this person a day or week ago. You don’t know their real name, where they work, or anything about them. But you’re already talking about being owned by them.
Well, okay. Maybe it’s real and will work out perfectly. But whether it does or doesn’t, there’s a damn good chance, you’ve gone from zero to 60 this fast because of subfrenzy.
Patience is a word I love to hate (and hate to love) but it’s necessary for most things in life, including D/s.
Not only should a Dominant not be rushing you (red flag), you also don’t need to rush this either. Again, many people in subfrenzy convince themselves this is their one chance to submit so they better do it as fast as possible.
But when you do, a lot of important information gets missed: Are you compatible with this person? Do you want to submit in the way they want to Dominate? How will the rest of your life be impacted by moving so fast?
Cliche as it is, your power exchange life is a journey, not a destination, and definitely not a race. Slow down. Take your time. Learn about the person and kink before making too many life-altering decisions.
Rushing Into Kinky Fuckery
“I met them online yesterday. We talked all night. Tomorrow, I’m meeting them at a hotel room for a spanking scene!”
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuck up. Let’s count all the ways this is a bad idea:
Do you know anything about this person? (Beyond what they told you through a keyboard?)
Have you ever done this kink before? (If not, don’t just slow down, stop right now. If you don’t know how it works, how do you know how to keep yourself safe?)
Would you meet any vanilla random strangers in a hotel room after talking to them once? (If that’s your personality, I still urge caution, but okay, you may know how to navigate this situation. However, submissives tend to do this because they convince themselves that kink is somehow different than the rest of life. It’s not)
Not only do you not truly know this person, but meeting for the first time alone can be extremely dangerous. Especially if you have no real history with this person.
This is how people get seriously hurt. And it’s another example of how subfrenzy fucks up your better judgement. If you would never do this in any other facet of life, why are you doing it now? Does it just “feel right” or has the dopamine taken over?
There are ways to safely meet new people, including going back to the dreaded “p” word: patience.
And the partner you’re most likely to be safe with will urge caution. They’ll want you to be safe and take care of yourself, especially if they have any real experience in BDSM.
Signs of subfrenzy tend to be all about the rush to submit combined with ignoring reality: of the person, the situation, or how relationships work. I know the fantasy of submission feels like a dream, and the reality feels unreal at times. And that’s okay.
But D/s is always about people navigating a relationship together in a way that’s meant to bring out the best in both of you. It’s not a race or something you have to force yourself to like or accept. If you feel like you’re forcing yourself to fit in a very small box or that you’re in a rush and may never get this chance again, take a step back. Check in with yourself. Check this list. Then ask yourself, “Is this really me or is it subfrenzy?”
Want to figure out what Dominance, submission, and power exchange mean to you? You can do 30 Days of D/s, too. Get the 30 Days of D/s workbook here!