Where to Go to Learn More About BDSM, Kink, and D/s
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We’re frequently asked, “How do I become a good Dominant” or “Can you tell me how to get started in BDSM?” We usually stare, eyes wide, mouth gaping open, as we struggle with exactly where to begin. That’s a bit like asking, “Tell me everything there is to know about the Universe.” Where the hell do we begin?
I wish there were simple, easy answers to these questions, but there aren’t.
The simplest answer is to learn all you can about what interests you, talk to other kinksters (at a munch or online), and keep communication open with your partner. Just because the answer is simple doesn’t make it easy. And it’s frustratingly vague when you’re completely new to kink and BDSM.
If you’re a brand new kinkster who’s just dipping your toes into D/s relationships or the BDSM communities, here are a few places to begin — based on the style of learning you prefer.
That’s right…your style of learning matters a lot here. If you prefer to read, start with books and websites. If you do better with visual or audio information, podcasts and YouTube channels are a great place to begin. There’s no right way to learn the information — only the way that works best for you.
Reading BDSM Books
We have an entire resource page dedicated to resources we recommend, many of which are books and websites. We also write informational blog posts, designed to help people who prefer to read. But we’re just a grain of sand in a wide world of kink education. Once you start looking, you’ll be shocked at just how much is out there waiting for you to read. Start with these…
Books:
The Loving Dominant by John Warren: We frequently recommend this book for both Dominants and submissives because there’s something for both sides of the slash. Look for the latest edition, as it was originally written before being online was so common. Also, be prepared for heteronormative language. If that’s not your thing, skip this one.
The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy: We have not read these books yet but many people we respect recommend them both.
Tongue Tied by Stella Harris: Communication is the most important part of anything you do in BDSM. No matter how good you are, you can always get better. This book is amazing whether you’ve never shared your feelings or desires before or you’re regularly sharing your feelings with partners. Read our review here.
The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino: Not only do you get the absolute basics of BDSM and kink, you also get personal, real stories of kinksters experiences. Absolutely recommend. Read our review here.
Websites:
Submissive Guide: All things submissive, all the time. *Full disclosure: I used to write for this site.
Dominant Guide: All things Dominant, all the time.
There are plenty of others, but these two will get you started.
Listening to Audio
Many (but not all) of the books we recommend may have an audiobook component. That definitely counts as “reading” so download an audiobook and learn from those great authors if that works better for you.
Of course there are plenty of podcasts. We hope you’ve listened to at least a few episodes of our podcast. After that, there are plenty of others to check out.
A few recommendations:
For a more complete list of BDSM and sex related podcasts, check out this list on The Cage.
Watching Videos
For people who prefer to watch their information, YouTube is one of the easiest options. Yes, we’re there, too. For the past year or so, new podcast episodes are also available in video format. Currently, we livestream each one so you can watch it as we record or later.
To get you started, there are two great BDSM educators we recommend — but they’re certainly not the only ones.
Both channels have an archive of videos you can dig through to get as much information as you’d like.
Meeting Fellow Kinksters
Some of the best education you can ever receive is getting to know people in the BDSM community. From local munches to Twitter conversations, there are opportunities to learn from other people — who might not consider themselves an “educator” but definitely have experience.
How do you find them? Well, we’re literally everywhere.
Start with Fetlife. It’s got its problems, but it’s also the biggest space for kink and fetish right now. From there, check out The Cage, KinkSpace, or Fetish.com. They won’t all be right for everyone, but hopefully you can find a space you feel comfortable in.
Look at your own social media preferences. Whether you’re on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook, there’s a kink community there. They might not be obvious, but they are. Look through different hashtags on Twitter and Instagram. On Facebook, search for BDSM or D/s groups. Most groups on Facebook are secret or closed (as you would expect) so they will likely vet you before they let you in.
We cannot recommend strongly enough that you consider attending a local munch in your area. Fetlife is the best resource to find those, wherever you live. Some areas are so rural that your town won’t have one, but the county or wider region might. If nothing else, going to a munch reminds you that you’re NOT the only kinkster where you live.
BDSM and Kink Workshops and Events
If you’ve got the money and the time, look into larger events within an area you’re willing to travel. In Florida, we have Florida Power Exchange as one of our big events as well as plenty of other local options. Other areas around the country and the world host their own kinky events. If you live in an area with a BDSM dungeon or club, they’ll likely host events and workshops, too.
You can attend these events specifically to take workshops and classes or just to socialize. Or both! It often requires some access to resources — the willingness to travel, the time, and/or an entrance or registration fee. Some classes at a local dungeon might be free, but you still have to be able to get there.
These events are where other kinskters share their experience and knowledge with people of all levels. Depending on what you’re there to learn, it may be hands on or not. But there’s nearly always an opportunity to ask specific questions.
Again, Fetlife is a great place to find these kinds of events, but it’s not your only option. Here’s one place where you can look for events by region and time of year: BDSM Events.
The Bottomline
So when you ask us, “How do I learn about BDSM” now you know why we can’t always answer that question. What are you into? What intrigues you? How do you prefer to learn? What do you already know? When you’re into kink, it’s a life-long learning process because there’s always something new to learn.
Start with what turns you on or intrigues you most and seek out the resources to learn as much as you can. Once you start, an entire kinky world will open up to you. But BDSM is so individualized that there’s no single right way to get started.
Now it’s your turn. How do you prefer to learn about kink, BDSM, or D/s? Who’s a resource you’d recommend to others?
