How to Feel More Submissive

Feeling submissive is a completely subjective thing. What one person needs won’t work for someone else. And how submissive you feel can be directly impacted by whether you’re in a relationship or not. We’ve discussed how to feel submissive when you’re single, but what about when you’re in a relationship?

Here are some ideas to try whether you’re both still new to D/s and haven’t figured out what works best for you OR your relationship is in a slump.

Ask for Permission

If you’re in a relationship that’s only a little kinky or one where the D/s isn’t quite as heavy as you’d like it. it can be difficult to feel submissive. Try asking for permission to do things you want to do. The first step in this? Ask for permission to ask permission.

Let your partner know that you enjoy it when they tell you yes or no, and that it would help you feel your submissive self. As long as they’re okay with it, ask away.  Pick your timing well, though. If your partner is stressed or exhausted, they might not be in the right mindset when you come to them with a request.

Think of How You Can Help Your Partner

If service submission is part of who you are, helping your partner (even if they don’t call themselves your dominant yet) could help you. Think of ways you can do things for your partner that help them in some way and then ask them if you can. In a way, you’re doing two things at once — asking for permission and, if they consent, serving.

If you’re tempted to just do stuff for them without asking, you could easily cause more problems than you’re trying to solve. Not every partner feels comfortable with someone jumping in and handling them or their life. For partners who are confused about why you’d want to help them, let them know that it makes you happy. This could open up communication about D/s in new ways, too.

Tell Your Partner You Need More D/s

I hesitate to tell you this, because sometimes submissives (usually in subfrenzy) can overwhelm new/inexperienced dominants with all the things you want to do. So use this one if you both want an active D/s life but vanilla life has gotten in the way OR if you truly feel ready to move to a new step in your D/s life.

But if part of the reason you’re not feeling your submissive self is because your D/s has been pushed to the background, it’s definitely time for a conversation about it. And if your partner feels overwhelmed with new responsibilities, try offering help or asking for permission as options for them.

Remember, this is something you’re navigating together. It’s not enough to tell your partner they need to do more “dominant things.” You have to be as specific about what you want and need. You also have to be patient as they discover D/s in their own way and at their own pace.

Join the Kinky Community

Not everyone wants to or can join their local kinky community by going to a munch or BDSM club, but that isn’t your only option. The online kinky community is filled with people who are happy to connect with their fellow kinksters. Fetlife is a good first choice, but it’s not the only place, either.

Just like in real life, wherever you go online, you’ll find kinksters. Facebook has plenty of secret groups. Twitter is full of kinky people. Even Instagram has plenty of image-loving kinksters. If you don’t know anyone yet, follow your favorite kinky resources (*cough cough*) on social media and then see who they follow, share, or talk to. If you don’t want to take the risk of your vanilla and kinky life colliding on those platforms, stick with Fetlife and try KinkSpace or BDSMLR.

Talking to other people about kinks, D/s, and BDSM might help you tap into your submissive self or give you ideas of new things to try. If it makes you feel worse, skip it. The kinky community is great for not feeling alone, but it shouldn’t be a source of negativity for you, either.

If you’re in a relationship and your partner knows and understands that you’re submissive, your best option is always to talk about how you feel. Vanilla life interferes with kink ALL the time, so it’s not unusual to go through periods where you feel less in touch with your submission.

Now it’s your turn. What do you do when you feel less submissive than you’d like? Share in the comments below or talk to us Twitter!

And Dominants, don’t feel left out. We have suggestions for you, too that will be published soon!