When Your Dominant Wants You To Change Something About Yourself
Someone recently asked, “What do I do if my Dominant wants me to lose weight?” This type of question gets asked a lot…just replace “lose weight” with something else…cut my hair, shave my genitals, wear certain clothes, exercise, etc., etc., etc. As a submissive, you might think the answer to that question is, “Do whatever your Dominant wants.”
Uhhhh, not necessarily.
No matter where you’re at in your D/s relationship — the early stages or you’ve been together a while, there are zero automatic yeses when either of you wants something new.
If your Dominant partner wants you to do something different, new, or make a big change that directly impacts you — mind or body, here are some things to consider.
How Do You Feel About It?
The most important question you really need to ask yourself when a Dominant makes a new request (yes, it’s a request until you consent to it) is how you feel about it. It’s okay to be nervous or unsure when faced with something new, but look beyond that.
Is this something you want to do? And if the answer is yes, WHY do you want to do it? If any of your answers are, “To keep my partner happy” or “Because I “should” do,” those reasons usually aren’t sustainable. The reason to do a thing is because you genuinely want to, it excites you, it helps you achieve a goal, and the list goes on.
But if you’re excited to do it, go for it. But if you dread it, you’ve got to talk to your Dominant. (Pro tip: you’ve got to talk to your partner about it no matter how you feel, but don’t blindly agree when you’re hating every second of it, either.)
Why Do They Want You To Do It?
Anytime a reason includes “you should” or “you’re supposed to do this,” it’s important to turn on your critical thinking skills. There are very few things in life that we’re supposed to do. Just because every submissive you know shaves their genitals doesn’t mean you have to. Submissives aren’t required to be a certain weight or body shape to be in a relationship.
Your Dominant should have a reason that doesn’t require comparing you to someone else.
“Because I want you to” isn’t always a great answer, either. Depending on your D/s dynamic, that might turn you on and work for you as a submissive. But when you’re being asked to change something about yourself, that’s not always enough of an answer.
What counts as a “good” reason to me might not be a “good” reason to you, but the reason should be a good one. The best reasons are those that you’re comfortable accepting because they offer an opportunity for pleasure and/or self-improvement that doesn’t involve shame or guilt (outside of consensual erotic humiliation play).
Always Talk About It First
Unless you’re excited to get started on this request — and even when you are! — always talk about it first. Don’t feel like you have to agree to anything blindly. You don’t, and you shouldn’t be expected to.
Ask all the questions you can think of, and then ask for time to think about it. No matter what’s being asked of you, you get to consent or not. If you feel pressured to agree right away, that’s a red flag that this isn’t really meant to help you.
Make sure you feel comfortable voicing uncertainty or asking questions before and during the process (assuming you agree to it). Create a mechanism in your D/s relationship so that you can provide feedback on these changes. You should always have an easy out. Remember, you’re consenting to do this thing which means you can withdraw your consent at any point.
Look for Red Flags
Your Dominant might simply want the best for you and think this is a way to help you achieve it. That’s a perfect scenario. But sometimes, these requests are made to turn you into something you’re not and that you don’t have to be. They involve shame, guilt, and pressure. In short, these things can be toxic, so it’s important to notice any red flags in how the question is asked and how they respond to you.
- You’re told this is what you have to do if you want to be with them.
- Your Dominant refuses to discuss the details with you. They tell you something like, “I’ll tell you what you need to know when you need to know it.”
- You’re not given the chance to ask questions or your questions are ignored.
- No time to adapt or learn about the change is offered or allowed.
- Shaming language is used. This could be comparing you to other submissives or calling you hurtful names as a reason why you need to make this change. Or, weirdly, as a way to “encourage” you to do it.
- Ignoring your wishes, consent, or feedback.
- Not being willing to change the details of how to achieve this new goal or task to help you succeed.
Not Every Request is Toxic
Is a Dominant’s request to change your style, your body, your weight, your habits, your whatever always toxic? Not at all. In many successful D/s relationships, both partners work together on these changes to give each other something they both want. But that doesn’t mean submissives are required to automatically comply, either.
If you’ve been asked to make a change, like losing weight, think about how well you know this person, what their intentions seem to be and how you feel about it all. And then get ready to dig in and have a solid conversation about it. But never think you have to say yes just because a Dominant tells you they want something, either.
Have you ever faced something like this? How did you handle it? Have any other tips you’d share with submissives faced with these kinds of questions? Comment below or talk to us on Twitter!