Feeling More Vanilla Than D/s LB066
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Kayla Lords and John Brownstone talk about how normal it is for the vanilla stuff to make you feel less your D/s self – and what to do about it.
In this episode:
- BDSM and D/s are mostly mental. If your head’s not into, the kink will take a backseat.
- When you recognize that it’s happened, say something.
- Be prepared for kinky sex to feel off, too.
- Make plans for playtime or a scene to help feel more “normal.”
- It helps to be mindful of your role during the day – tasks, schedules, and routines help.
- As a Dominant, you’ll want to be conscientiousness about helping your submissive feel their role more. Give them more to do. Ask for things you haven’t asked for in a while.
- Having an errant thought of annoyance or not wanting to do your kinky thing is normal, and it’s not something to worry about unless it’s happening every time.
- New relationship energy feels like it will last forever. Eventually that feeling ebbs and normalizes. This is when the these “disconnects” can occur.
- All of this is normal. Getting back on track is the “work” of having a successful relationship.
Links from the Show:
3 Steps to Reconnect in Your D/s Relationship
When Vanilla Life Interferes With Your D/s Relationship (episode 38)
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I just started listening to the podcasts. Love them! So good to hear so much real!! Gushy girlfriend love to you both!!!! Anyway, this episode is timely for me. Daily life throws us off on a regular basis, which leads me to a regular meltdown. My struggle is that when I start to see our slide, I am able to begin the conversation, he is able to see it too, but as it is happening, I pull back. I am very much a babygirl in your definition and she does not want to keep meeting his needs if I feel mine are not being met. We typically are still in sync as you said, doing the tasks together that are so ingrained, but the tasks that I have a moment to stop and think about, I will skip, or do my own way, instead of the way we have agreed (like him choosing panties, clothes, doing my daily exercise, keeping up my water intake). I know this is not healthy, and I am trying to learn how to squelch her, but that baby inside of me just gets hurt so easily by the slide away from our d/s that I want to take back all of it. This makes it harder for him to get us back in line. Again, I know this is just bad behavior, and I fight that baby inside, but she is powerful, as you know! I feel like you have covered this topic so well, but I still want to ask if you or Mr. John have any other suggestions for wrangling myself or how he can more easily help me be wrangled when life starts dragging us down? I am ridiculously sorry for writing a book!! You guys are awesome at what you do and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to delve into the podcasts!!! Thanks 🙂
I’d say it really takes trust, time, and patience with yourself — and actively working to do better each time you misstep. As well as talking about WHY you feel that way — it may have to do with past relationships (romantic or otherwise), and it may just take time to work through. If the past relationship thing resonates, look for our episode on “bad tapes” (which is what we call those old experiences and memories that cause you to freak out/act not-so-great when you see familiar behavior in a current relationship). But otherwise, just keep trying, working through it when it happens, and talking about it — given enough time, you may find that pattern of behavior changes.