How to Be Consistent in D/s | Making D/s Work in the Real World

by Kayla Lords · Published May 9, 2025 · Updated May 8, 2025

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To us, the best way to be consistent in your power exchange – as a Dom or sub individually and together – is with a routine. In this episode, we’ll talk about the factors that need to be considered when finding your perfect D/s routine.

In this episode

We’re on a break next week.
We’ll be back on Friday, May 16 with our virtual munch live stream.
To make your dynamic work in the real world, you have to find a way to find the level of routine and consistency that works for you.
- Plenty of kinksters who message us are most upset with the fact that plans get made for their D/s and happen for a short while before it all falls apart.
- There are plenty of reasons for this, but one of them is not finding a routine that works for you.
We did an episode on the importance of consistency back in episode 151 – link in the places.
We’ve also talked about routines many, many, many times including about how they can be the reason your dynamic doesn’t change or grow.
And we’ve talked about forming new habits and stopping old habits.
Finding the right routine works for in-person dynamics and LDRs.
- We have a workbook specific to LDRs on figuring out the “how” of your long distance D/s – available on our Etsy, link in the places.
How to figure out a routine that works for you:
- Document this information in whatever way works best for you:
  - Write it down, voice record, shared document, whatever
  - Once you figure out what you’re going to do for your D/s routine, document THAT in whatever way works for you: Journals, planners, to-do lists (analog or digital), reminders in your phone, etc, etc, etc
- Decide what activities you want as part of your dynamic: service, tasks, rules
- Decide how much control the Dom wants to have and how much the sub is willing to give up. Examples: The sub asks permission for anything they do, the Dom gives tasks out as needed; etc.
  - For us, I have set tasks that I do that JB doesn’t have to tell me to do every day, but I also do tasks as requested.
- Figure out what each of you do well and/or are willing to do for each other
- Figure out your schedules
  - Do you have a rigid schedule where the same things generally happen each day/week?
  - Does that schedule change on specific days – like weekends or set days off?
  - Do you have a schedule that fluctuates?
- A routine can be as flexible as you need it to be.
  - Instead of specific times, think about the order of your day: First thing happens when you wake up, the next thing happens after your first meal of the day. Those things may change from day to day, but the order of operations is always the same.
  - Communication between partners is important when the routine needs to shift or change – childcare needs, work needs, health needs.
    - Not letting the other know that you need to change the routine leads to hurt feelings, mistrust, and a sense that the other is inconsistent and/or not as serious about this
- As with all things in D/s and kink, your first plan might not be the best routine.
  - You need to try it out and tweak as you go.
  - And start sloooooooooow.