6 Reasons Why Being Consistent Matters in Your D/s Relationship
If you’ve listened to a few podcast episodes, you’ve heard John Brownstone mention one word a few times — consistency. It’s one of his core beliefs as a Dominant and an indicator of how well your D/s relationship is going. (It’s not the only thing, but it’s an important one.)
So why the focus on consistency, especially as a Dominant? Because whether you are or aren’t, it has a direct impact on your submissive and your D/s relationship.
When both of you know what to expect, it’s easier to stay in your D/s headspace and have an idea of what to expect. Inconsistently giving consequences or praise can make your submissive feel off-balance. They may not know where they stand with you or what to expect. Some Dominants might think this is a good thing, but we disagree. If one of your goals as a Dominant is to help your submissive succeed and be the best submissive they can be, they need to have an idea of what to expect and feel like the ground is solid and stable under their feet.
If you want your submissive to succeed and feel good about their submission, they need to know what to expect. When you’re consistent in your expectations and what happens when those expectations are met or not, your submissive can rise to meet the challenge. But if you’re constantly changing things up or randomly deciding something no longer matters, your submissive can’t meet your expectations because they don’t know what they are.
Reduces Problems, Hurt Feelings, and Angst
If you never know whether you’re doing something right or not or if your partner will be there when you need them, how would you feel? Pretty crappy, right? Well, to the inconsistent Dominant, that’s what you (potentially) create for your submissive when you inconsistently speak to them, follow the rules or routines of your D/s relationship, or do whatever your Domly thing might be. Many submissives will internalize the inconsistency and think it’s their fault. Others will just be pissed off at you. Either way, it’s a storm of negative emotions and unhappiness in your D/s relationship.
One of the most important things about establishing trust as a Dominant (beyond communication and consent) is following through and doing what you say you’ll do. If you’re inconsistent, your submissive may learn very quickly they can’t trust you. You won’t call when you say you will, be Dominant when it’s been agreed to, or be reliable in the relationship. And remember, consistency is important throughout a relationship — not just in the early stages of building trust.
Helps a Relationship Grow
When you’re inconsistent in your D/s relationship, it’s almost impossible for the relationship to grow and become more than it is at the beginning. You get stuck in a cycle. Trust doesn’t develop. Communication falters. Feelings get hurt. Moving onto new and better stages of your relationship are almost impossible in these circumstances. But when you follow through, follow up, and show up for your D/s relationship — consistently — you’re both able to build something together. Why? Because you’ve earned your submissive’s trust, and they know they can depend on you.
Shows Your Commitment to the Relationship
We focus on the things that matter to us. We make them a priority. And when we can’t, we’re upset and work to make it right. Being consistent as a Dominant shows that you’re committed to your submissive and the D/s relationship you’re building together. It might not always be perfect, and you might fuck up from time to time (hey, it happens). But showing up makes a big difference. You don’t have to get it right all the time, but you do need to be committed enough to your submissive to do what you say you’ll do.
It probably seems like we’re picking on Dominants here. Maybe so, but it’s because you shoulder a lot of responsibility in your D/s relationship. Yes, your submissive has to do their part, but this is what being the leader and in control is about. If you can do what you say you’ll do, be there for your submissive, and follow through on your D/s agreement (whatever it may be), you help your relationship succeed. Which is, hopefully, the entire point.
In episode 151 we dive deeper into the conversation about consistency in D/s relationships and why it’s so important for Dominant and submissive. Check it out!
Got thoughts and opinions on consistency from Dominants in D/s relationships? Share with us in the comments below or talk to us on Twitter!