Q&A: What Do I Do as a Newly Single But Inexperienced Sub?

by Kayla Lords · Published May 19, 2025 · Updated May 16, 2025

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 15:34 — 17.2MB)

Subscribe: Spotify | TuneIn | RSS | More

A submissive was introduced to BDSM by a former partner, but their relationship ended before any kinky exploration.

Here’s the question:

I met a Dom by accident on Tinder. He suggested I look into BDSM, D/s dynamics, all of it before we went any further. We went out while I was researching, so the connection, for me, grew. We went out for about two months before he ended things, and we didn’t get to any of the BDSM stuff. We had sex maybe three times, and choking was the only non-vanilla thing we did.

Anyway, I’m now here, things have just ended, I never got to experience a true D/s dynamic/romantic relationship of any kind. I feel the BDSM lifestyle would be good for me. Enabling me to give up control, not worrying about everything all the damn time, and just an overall relief of decisions, duties, etc. I know there is more to BDSM and a D/s lifestyle than that, I just haven’t gotten into it all.

We went through the menu of items, but we never talked about a contract or what we could potentially add. I was introduced to the Obedience app.

Should I continue and try to find a Dom that would want a 99% newbie sub or maybe a mentor of sorts? Do I just keep with vanilla and not worry about doing anything specifically BDSM anymore? Do I go solo and train to be a sub on my own, while trying to find the right Dom for me? I just don’t know where to go from here.