Apologies and D/s Relationships

6 Responses

  1. Michael says:

    Reading this particular reminds me of the one and only time Ive tried to step things up from vanilla. I tied her up where she really couldn’t get out of it. (aircraft cable,, pulleys, and bolts to the wall studs.) I went with hot candle wax, which wasn’t hot enough for her so I used a regular candle and poured from a distance, and went really wrong. I apologized, but this apparently ruined the whole attempt. For me to open up to this it requires a certain level of trust, and I don’t seem to have that to begin with. So stepping up from
    vanilla seems to be impossible as the base of the relationship seems to be missing. Yet Im told that if she teaches me, then its not good for her anymore. Can you assist?

    • Kayla Lords says:

      Since I don’t know all the details, I’m not sure how much help I can be, but the foundation of anything kinky — D/s or a little kinky sex — is ALWAYS communication. Before you do anything, while you’re doing it, and after. It’s an on-going thing. There’s also a LOT of education, research, and learning involved…like knowing not to use regular candles for wax play as they tend to burn much hotter than wax play candles.

      It seems you both need to start from square one and spend a LOT of time talking about what you both want and need, what you’d like to try and what you don’t want to do (both of you — so it requires listening to each other, too). And then you SLOWLY begin to try new things. That level of bondage and wax play sound like advanced level kink, not what beginners should be doing.

      And while someone who’s submissive can DEFINITELY lead the transition into D/s (we did an episode on that), it’s still up to you to learn independently, too — and then talk together about what you can do together. And even what I’m telling you here is only the absolute TIP of the iceberg…there is SO much to it. But it all starts with clear communication — and going slowly.

  2. Vani says:

    So my mistress asked me to beg, and i was feeling a bit bratty and said no… she asked once again a bit more forcefully and i said no once again. I wasnt trying to be disobedient Its just how i am. I like it when my domme is forceful. But she just said fine and walked away. I literally begged for an hour and she kept saying ‘it was fine’ and ‘i shouldn’t have forced you’. I really really apologised and said id write lines to make up for my disobedience but she wouldnt allow it. She simply said to write 1 line- saying she was confident and had tried it out but id destroyed her confidence…. I feel so bad. she is acting normal but i feel like our relationship is less stable now.

    • Kayla Lords says:

      If you haven’t already (and she’s open to it), you need to have a conversation with her about exactly what you’ve just explained here — that you were acting bratty and wanted her to be more forceful. It’s up to her if that’s how she wants to engage as a dominant, but if she wasn’t on the same page as you were in that moment, this is the kind of thing that can happen. If she’s open to it in the future, you both may want to come up with agreed up on signs/signals/words/etc to let her know you’re in brat mode so she can respond accordingly.

  1. August 27, 2019

    […] Resources we recommend: https://lovingbdsm.net/bdsm-kinky-resources/ Apologies in D/s: https://lovingbdsm.net/2019/05/13/apologies-ds-relationships/ Dealing with Your Fears: https://youtu.be/4PesmuR–a4 Teamwork in D/s: […]

  2. February 18, 2021

    […] Apologies in D/s (blog post) […]

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