Bad Behavior and Red Flags of Submissives LB026
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Kayla Lords hosts episode 26 and instead of talking about how Dominants can get things very wrong, she takes on submissives and the red flags, poor behavior, and signs of misinformation that submissives can give off when trying to find a Dominant or have their own successful D/s relationship.
In this episode:
- Kayla is looking for kinky patrons on Patreon!
- Dominants aren’t the only ones who can get things very wrong in BDSM and D/s.
- Submissives have their own share of red flags that stop a relationship from forming or ruin a potentially good one.
- Having “no limits”
- Submissives who claim they’ll “do anything”
- Submitting to a stranger
- Believing submissives have no responsibilities
- Not following commands, completing tasks, or being obedient
- Refusing to communicate or simply lying
- Sometimes these aren’t red flags of a bad or uneducated submissive, they’re indications of problems. Communicate, communicate, communicate!
Links from the show:
Original post: 3 Things Submissives Do That Turn Off Dominants
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You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 26. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Today let’s discuss the things submissives get wrong when they’re looking for a Dominant or entering a relationship. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.
Quick reminder: I have a page on Patreon. Anyone who can and wants to support this podcast and show their love can make a monthly pledge for as little as $1 a month. Go a little higher and you get perks – including monthly videos of me talking about kink, sex, writing, you name it. You can stop at any time, and no worries, if you just can’t afford to do it or it’s not your thing, I still love you for listening to me each week.
Now, on to the show.
In episode 24, I talked about the signs and red flags of bad Dominants, and I promised to come back with something about what submissives get wrong. Well, here we are. I used a blog post I wrote in October 2015 and have added to it. Some of these things are things I’ve heard long-time, knowledgeable Dominants discuss. Others? Well, it’s observation and the belief that if something is wrong for a Dominant to do, than it’s wrong for a submissive to do, too.
So here goes. These are things that submissives do that send up red flags or can ruin a potential, new, or even established relationship.
Telling a Dominant You Have “No Limits”
Most Dominants I know are fairly sarcastic and willing to push your buttons. Their response to the “I have no limits” statement is wild laughter often followed by a dare. Will you let them shit on your face, pee down your throat, or cut you with a knife? For some people, that’s a kink, but for most of us, those are hard limits.
Telling a Dominant you have “no limits” is a red flag that you’re either too desperate for a relationship or you have a hell of a lot to learn. You don’t have to be full of bravado with a new Dominant. And it’s perfectly okay to say, “I don’t know” when asked about your limits. If that person is right for you, they’ll work to figure out your limits, stay within your current limits and only later, try to push your boundaries.
Promising a Dominant You’ll “Do Anything” For Them
I think most of us have said this to a Dominant at some point or another. I admit that I have – now, after years of knowing John Brownstone and understanding our mutual limits. When I say “anything,” he knows I mean anything within the confines of what we’re both okay with. But when you’ve just met someone, don’t say you’ll do anything. You have no idea what a Dominant might ask of you.
My Dominant friends usually ask (not seriously) if that particular submissive is willing to cut off their own finger for them. Be shocked, the answer is no. What you think “anything” means in terms of kink and D/s and what a Dominant thinks are probably two very different things. It’s another sign of desperation or a lack of education. Some Doms don’t mind teaching new submissives (many are willing, actually) but they’d like you to have a little common sense and a sense of self-preservation.
Submitting Too Soon
Some Dominants have a “test” for new-to-them submissives. They’ll command them to do something – pick up a napkin that fell on the floor, drop something, throw something, whatever. They’re usually looking for two things when they do this – the immediate urge to do what you’re told and the backbone to tell a new-to-you Dominant “No.”
Why should you refuse? Because this isn’t your Dominant, and they have zero right to command anything from you until it’s been discussed and agreed upon. Now, in fairness, this seems to happen in public or at the club when people first meet. If you’re on a date or you’re meeting someone in person for the first time, but you’ve already established a rapport or even a relationship online, this might not apply. But just because someone you met five minutes ago tries to order you around, doesn’t mean you’re required to do it.
Believing You Have No Responsibilities
However you choose to set up your D/s relationship is between y’all. It’s entirely possible that your Dominant wants nothing more than to cosset you and pamper you and never ask you to do anything outside of the kinky sex you both enjoy. That’s cool. You do you.
And no, I’m not talking about micromanaged Master/slave relationships where the Master makes every single solitary decision. That is a class all on it’s own, and not what I’m referring to. Although, I still believe even slaves have responsibilities – even if that responsibility is to always be available to their Master.
But for the vast majority of D/s relationships I’ve seen, submissives have a shit-ton of responsibilities. We do the tasks our Dominants specifically give us, we maintain our own life – whether that’s kids, work, taking care of other family members, you name it – and, by and large, we keep our Dominant’s needs firmly in our mind. A common trait among us is that we often want to take care of them before they ask – and no, I don’t mean just in household, domestic responsibilities, although there is a lot of that.
So what’s my point? Unless a Dominant knows they want someone who is there only to submit to their sexual desires but not serve in any other capacity or that they want to micromanage every detail of your life – including when to go to the bathroom, when to eat, what to eat, what to wear, when to speak, when to sleep…you get my point?, proclaiming that you – as a submissive – don’t want any responsibilities can be a big old red flag. Your relationship is about to tank or it’s never going to happen in the first place.
Not Doing as You’re Told
Okay, remember when I told you that it’s okay to push back when someone who isn’t your Dominant tries to order you around? Don’t ever forget that, but there’s another part of the equation – once you’re willing to play with a Dominant, go into a period of consideration with them, move your existing relationship into D/s, or commit to a Dominant – it’s time to do what you’re told.
Caveat! (Because there always is) I’m making the assumption that what you’re being told to do is something you talked about, discussed, and agreed to. Yes, you are allowed to withdraw your consent at any point, but if you haven’t stopped consenting, and you still want to be the submissive one in the relationship, it’s expected that you’re going to do what you’re told. And no, I don’t mean disobeying for funishment. Some Dominants like that and some Dominants don’t. John Brownstone might give me a playful and yet very painful swat on the ass for being a little too sassy but if I willfully disobey a direct order – and I still consent to his control – the punishment is going to suck. Corner time, removal of privileges, you name it.
If you’re being told to do something that truly bothers you or you reject on some level, you have a responsibility to discuss it with your Dominant. Simply deciding not to do something but consenting to the relationship without communication and re-negotiating the terms is a quick way to create problems in your relationship or end it.
Refusing to Communicate or Lying
If it’s bad for a Dominant to do it, it’s bad for a submissive to do it. Should you expect to be perfect all the time? Of course not. Is it hard to overcome years and years of never expressing your feelings, thoughts, or desires and start sharing them with your Dominant, especially if you fear disappointment? Absolutely. To me, it’s the most difficult thing about D/s in general, regardless of whether you’re a Dominant or submissive. But if you’re not at least willing to try, what are you doing in a D/s relationship?
Enjoying kinky sex is one thing. Committing to a power exchange relationship is another. It’s okay to only want the kinky sex and not want everything that goes with a D/s relationship outside of the bedroom. It’s also okay to think you want D/s and then realize you don’t (that goes for Dominants and submissives, by the way). It is not, however, okay to never speak up, say you want this relationship and then refuse to communicate, or worse, lie about what you’re doing, what you’re feeling, or anything else.
A lying submissive is one that will often get dropped fairly quickly by the more experienced Dominants. Just as you should expect honesty from your Dominant, they need to be able to expect it from you.
For anyone who finds communication difficult, my go-to solution is to write it down, instead. I know, some of y’all are thinking that’s easy for me to say since I write all the time. I’m not talking about something with good grammar, perfect spelling, and correct punctuation that you’re turning in for a grade. Just get the thoughts out on paper – or computer screen – and send them that way. I promise you, once you see your Dominant respond positively to your thoughts and feelings (even when those thoughts and feelings aren’t positive or good), it becomes easier to speak your mind.
Everyone is different, and maybe some of these red flags aren’t all that bad – or you did them, and it turned out fine. Good for you. But this isn’t the case for all submissives, and if you’re wondering where the decent Dominants are, keep these things in mind. Yeah, there are some really bad Dominants out there, but there are plenty of submissives who need to learn a few things, too.
Okay, that’s it for me this week! If you have any topic suggestions, ideas, questions, or whatever, feel free to reach out to either myself or John Brownstone. We really do respond to every email we receive. If we don’t respond, it’s because we didn’t get it or you sent a picture of your dick or tits or said something gross. Don’t say something gross, y’all.
Keep it kinky y’all, and we’ll see you next week!