How to Be a Better Communicator | 30 Days of D/s

Communication comes in many forms and isn’t always as simple as opening your mouth and letting the words tumble out. But if you want a power exchange relationship that can last or even kinky fuckery that just feels damn good, you need strong communication skills.

We’ve said a LOT about communication over the years — I’ll link some of them down at the bottom so you can deep-dive into the topic. Here, though, we want to share some quick tips and things to know to be a better communicator as a kinkster.

Communication is a Skill

Let’s start with the obvious (and the thing we’ve already mentioned) — communication is a skill. No one exits the womb knowing how to properly convey their thoughts and feelings to a partner. And you don’t get it by osmosis, either. So be prepared to suck at it in the beginning and to (hopefully) get better over time.

The more you engage with and talk to your partner — and listen (more on that in a minute), the easier it gets…eventually. Both of you are going to bring whatever skills, coping mechanism, and “baggage” you had in your vanilla relationships. Those don’t automatically disappear just because you figured out you’re kinky. So be prepared for all your communication problems from past relationships to rear their ugly heads from time to time.

Slammed doors, stony silence, and thinking “they should just know, I shouldn’t have to tell them” dooms all relationships eventually. Your D/s will be no different, and in fact, may end more quickly because BDSM without good, clear communication is a disaster waiting to happen.

Communication Requires Practice

Used to be a great communicator but got stuck in a relationship with someone who refused to talk to you? You’re probably really rusty.

Had an amazing conversation with your kinky partner and feel like you’ve finally figured out how to effectively communicate? That’s a great start, but it’s easy to fall back into old habits.

Once you start communicating (well or at all), you have to keep it up. This is a life-long skill, and yes, there will be times you’ll absolutely fuck it up, even though you know what you’re supposed to do. (Ask me how I know.)

Practice comes in all kinds of forms. Conversations about small annoyances. Conversations about big changes to your D/s. Talking about your day. Talking about your hopes for the future. The more you talk (and listen), the easier it gets.

Listen More Than You Speak

The art of communication isn’t in what you say (although that’s very important too). It’s in how well you listen and take in the information the other person shares. If both partners (Dom and sub) listen more than they speak, you’ll both feel heard when you do have something to say.

It’s important to listen with the intent to understand and not simply to wait impatiently for your chance to respond. And yes, it’s fairly obvious which you’re doing. Listening to learn makes you focus on the other person, giving them all of your attention. Listening only to hear a pause in their words so you can rush in with your brilliant insight has a different feeling — and I should know. I’m a chronic interruptor, and yes, it’s something I’m constantly working on.

Don’t be afraid of silence in a conversation. Silence can create space for the other person to speak. A lot of people want to fill a silence as quickly as possible, and frankly, that can be a great way to get a reluctant talker to open up a little. But also comfortable silences are a thing and sometimes you don’t need the words as much as you need the time together. Silence isn’t always bad all the time.

Ask Questions

Want to know more about your partners needs, desires, boundaries, or limits? Have a partner who finds it difficult to open up and share? Get curious about your kinky partner and ask questions.

“Have you ever tried [insert kink]?”

“What would be the perfect day to you as a Dom/sub/kinkster?”

In a perfect world, you’d only ask open-ended questions. These are questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no answer and require a fuller response. But even yes or no answers can lead to other questions.

Plus, we want to talk to people who also want to hear what we have to say. Nothing makes that clearer than curious (but not overly invasive) questions.

You Don’t Always Have to Say It

We tend to think of communication as sitting next to or across from someone, opening our mouths, and pouring out our hearts. And once we’ve developed a level of comfort and trust, it can be exactly that. But until then, what we need is to be able to share information with a partner or potential partner in whatever way best conveys the information. If saying the words out loud while in the same room is too difficult, find another way.

• Write it down with pen and paper.
• Type it up in an email or Word Doc.
• Record yourself in a voice message.
• Keep a journal and share the journal with your partner.

If what you need is the space to figure out what you think and privacy to gather your thoughts, that’s okay. In the early days of my relationship with John Brownstone, I wrote down any big topic discussions I wanted us to have, especially when things weren’t going well. I could edit myself so I was as clear as possible, say everything I was thinking in one place, and let him take his time digesting what I said. Over time, I did that less and less, but I know it’s always an option.

And that’s not just for submissives. Recently, he had something on his mind and wanted to know he had my full attention — the written word is a perfect way to get it. He wrote me a long letter, letting me know how he felt about something, and we worked it out together, later.

Be Safe to Talk To

No matter what form the communication takes, if the other person worries about your reaction to what they might say — the face you make, the words you say, etc — they’re going to find it much harder to talk to you. In the beginning, these fears and worries will likely come from previous experience (aka bad tapes). But if you consistently roll your eyes, sigh, ignore, downplay, or diminish your partner’s thoughts and words, you’re not a safe person to talk to.

To avoid being this person (assuming this is important to you), set boundaries for conversations with your kinky partner so that you’re in a better headspace to listen and talk.

• Ask for time to think about a topic that your partner brings up to you.
• Set specific times and even places for the two of you to talk together — online or in-person.
• Focus on your partner during the conversation. Put your phone on silent, set it face down on the desk, don’t pick it up, and give them your full attention.
• Ask questions instead of assuming you know what your partner means.
• Take the time to think through what they’ve said and ask to revisit the topic later.

Sometimes you’ll hear bad news or something that makes you angry. You’re not expected to be a robot, and of course you’ll react in some way. But that shouldn’t be your default for something as simple as, “Can we discuss this task you asked me to do?” or “I’d like to talk about a new kink I can’t stop thinking about.”

It’s your turn…

What tips would you share with a kinkster who needs to practice their communication skills. Any bad practices you’d suggest we avoid? Any ideas on other ways to share information beyond saying the words? Ultimately, good communication is about getting your point across, being heard by your partner, and finding a path forward that allows you both to have the happy, healthy power exchange you want to have.

Want to deep dive into this topic? Check out our podcast episodes all about communication:

Top Tips for BDSM Communication (podcast episode 218)

Assumptions and Communication in D/s Relationships (podcast episode 143)

When Communication Isn’t Enough (podcast episode 124)

Effective Communication in Your D/s Relationship (podcast episode 40)

Want to figure out what Dominance, submission, and power exchange mean to you? You can do 30 Days of D/s, too. Get the 30 Days of D/s workbook here!