BDSM Basics: 5 Things About New D/s Relationships

by Kayla Lords · Published November 25, 2019 · Updated March 9, 2022

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Being new to Dominance and submission — either as someone in a vanilla relationship or a single kinkster navigating the kinky dating scene — is at turn thrilling and exciting and also frustrating and nerve-wracking. (As always, your mileage may vary.) You may be filled with lots of questions, plenty of emotions, and a since of urgency that you have to DO ALL OF THE THINGS RIGHT NOW.

We’re going to ask you to take a deep breath and remember that you don’t have to do everything in a hurry. And that there’s a lot to learn about being in a new D/s relationship. Let’s start with these five things…

(Prefer to watch and listen instead? Scroll down for a video version of this blog post.)

Be patient

I assure you if someone had told me seven years ago that I would one day advise people to be patient, I’d have laughed my ass off. Patience isn’t my strong suit. And it’s even harder to find when you’re excited and want to start this new kinky adventure now.

But if you want any hope of your D/s relationship lasting beyond the first week or month, patience is key. Whether you’re a total newbie or an experienced kinkster, you still have plenty to learn in a new relationship. You need to learn about the other person and who you are when you’re with them. While jumping in with both feet sounds exciting, it’s better to take things one step at a time.

Communicate constantly

You’re probably going to get tired of hearing this after a while, but it’s true. In any relationship (but especially D/s), communication needs to be the main component. It’s not enough to have the conversation about what you will and won’t do (aka negotiation). You’ve also got to share how you feel about what you just did, medical concerns, and (when you’re ready) triggers and the not-so-good stuff that might come up later and impact your kinky fuckery.

Even if you draw up a beautiful contract that outlines every single detail of your D/s relationship, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. As you experience what you’ve decided to do, you’ll learn more about what you like and don’t like, what you want to do and what you don’t want to do — which means you need to talk about it and adjust your expectations and plans.

Basically, get used to talking to your partner a LOT. Like…a lot a lot.

When in doubt, ask

This is true for submissives who are trying to figure out how to please their partner. It’s also true for Dominants in mid-scene who want to make sure their partner is comfortable. Consider “asking” a subset of communication. But it’s important to focus on this side of it.

No one is a mind-reader. No one is infallible. It’s never good to assume, but it can be dangerous in BDSM and D/s.

Ask for consent.
Check-in with each other by asking questions.
Ask questions when you’re uncertain.

Never be afraid to ask a question. And if your partner gives you grief over it, that’s a red flag on their part.

There is no “right” way to do D/s

A lot of kinksters worry that they’re somehow doing D/s incorrectly because it doesn’t match what they see in porn, read in erotica, or witness in their kinky community. Dominants worry they have to be “mean” in order to be in control. Submissives worry they have to lose their autonomy. Not to mention the concerns about the “right” title, label, gear, scene, kink, and rule.

The only right way to do D/s is the way that works for you and your partner right now. As you grow and learn more about BDSM and kink, you may adjust your D/s relationship and power exchange. That adjustment will also be the “right” way too. You don’t have to do anything that looks like anyone else for it to be perfect for you…and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

As long as you communicate with each other and maintain consent, you can do D/s any way you want.

Move slowly

This sounds like I’m telling you to be patient again. And in a way, I am. But moving slowly is more about how quickly you dive into your power exchange. It can be a lot of fun to make a bunch of rules and plan what D/s will look like with your partner. But most people can’t follow a big list on day one. It’s too overwhelming and can become stressful and frustrating.

So this is what we mean when we tell you to slow down. Make that big list, but start with one or two things. And don’t move onto something else until you’re both comfortable with what you’re doing now. It’s okay to ease into D/s. In fact, it’s probably best. It gives you time to check in with each other to make sure that kinky thing fits for you. It also lets you both have time to suck at something before you get good at it. Even your kinkiest power exchange rules and protocols require a little practice.