5 Reasons Why Your Kinky Community is So Important
John Brownstone and I have been reminded recently just how important our kinky and sex blogging community are to us. We’ve been made to feel outcast, forgotten, unloved, and misunderstood by a vanilla world that doesn’t want to see or understand us. But it’s our community of friends who have lifted us up and supported us.
We know we’re constantly harping on everyone to find or build a kinky community — either online or in-person or both! But there’s a reason for it, and this is one of those reasons.
When things get tough, and you’re made to feel bad about who you are, here’s how a loving, supportive kinky community can help.
Your community reminds you that you’re not alone.
It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one who’s kinky or into a thing — until you have a community of people who are into something similar. It’s easy to feel isolated or under attack when one part of your life rejects you or tells you what you enjoy is wrong. Your community will remind you that you’re not wrong at all — even when you’re all doing it a little differently, you’re still in it together.
The community normalizes what others don’t understand.
I’ve never expected the entire world to understand my kinks or why I share my sex life online. I’m not sure I actually care if they do. But when someone comes after you for being a “dirty freak” or “a deviant who’s harming children,” it’s easy to doubt yourself. Your community will remind you that, actually, no you’re none of those awful things. In fact, by the standards of your community, you’re just like everyone else — in your own unique way. 😉
Friends lift you up when you’re down.
Real friends and a good supportive kinky community can (sometimes) drown out all the negative bullshit someone else is trying to make you believe about yourself. Let your friends say nice things and remind you that you’re wonderful. Yes, even if it’s difficult to believe them in the moment. You’d do it for them, so let them do it for you.
You have a safe place to be yourself.
Whether online or in-person, your community of friends should be a place where you can be yourself. We all know what it’s like to have to put our “vanilla side” on and function outside of kink. When someone attacks us for our kinks or sexuality, we need that soft landing and group to feel safe in again. Your community should be a place where you can be your kinky self.
The community reminds you that you’re not the problem in this situation.
Being rejected for being who you are might make you want to internalize those feelings and believe there’s something wrong with you. My community was the first to remind me that, actually no, I wasn’t the problem here. The other person was because of their shitty attitudes and closed mind. We all deserve that kind of fierce defense.
Being kinky, talking about your sex life, being open about who you are — especially your sexuality — brings out some of the worst from close-minded people. Too many people have lost jobs, homes, and kids just for being outed as kinky. That’s not to mention what the LGBTQ+ community has gone and continues to go through, too — which I can’t even begin to fully comprehend.
But after my small taste of it (which we’re still dealing with and it will definitely be the topic of the next podcast (listen to episode 168)), I now understand why community matters so much. We’ve always talked about it in terms of education and safety, but never underestimate the power of friendship and solidarity, too.
It make take time to find your people and form those bonds, but it will be worth the effort.
