3 Things I’ve Learned as a Sexual Submissive
I think I’ve been sexually submissive my entire adult life. Maybe even earlier, but since I didn’t start having sex until I turned 18, I don’t know for sure. By not understanding this part of my sexuality, good sex was far outweighed by disappointing sex.
Part of that was because I grew up in an age where women’s magazines were inundated with “How to Take Control and Get What You Want in the Bedroom” kind of articles. They weren’t talking about FemDom kinky fun. This was your homegrown “guys like it when you know what you want” kind of stuff. That’s not bad advice, if it works for you. Me? Not so much.
From the moment I felt sexual desire, I didn’t know what I want. I knew I wanted it to feel good, and that I would like to be touched and fucked and oh yeah, baby. But, for me, coherent thought exits when desire shows up. What I know now is that I want to be lead through the moment. I want a partner who takes control of the situation and gives me what I want — but in their own way and on their own schedule.
There’s a lot for me to unpack about how I feel about and engage with sex as a submissive. Including that I sometimes think my ex-husband may have been sexually submissive, too. Yeah, that pairing made for cringeworthy moments I’d rather not relive.
But even with all the nuance of my personal experience with sexual submission, there are a few things I’ve learned about being sexually submissive.
You Still Have to Communicate Your Needs
I have always found talking about my personal sexual desires very difficult. Yeah, I know…I have a sex blog that’s devoted to my personal sexual desires. I get the irony. But writing to give “voice” to the thoughts in my head is much different than looking someone in the eyes and telling them, “I love being fucked doggy style, having my hair pulled, and being called, ‘Your slut.’ while you pound against me like you hate me.”
Should it be so difficult? Probably not. Does it get better and easier over time? For me it has. That’s due completely to John Brownstone. He’s never judged me for anything I’ve wanted. And, even better, he always tries to give me what I want sexually.
Like the Dominant he is, I won’t necessarily get what I want the way I think I want it. Or when I want it. He always manages to surprise me with the “how” of it, but telling him what I need and want has never ended badly.
Of course, he also makes me talk about it. “Use your words, babygirl.”
Damn it, I don’t want to use my words. I want him to just know. But no one is a mindreader, and a submissive (of any kind) has to learn how to tell our Dominant what we want and need. I’m not saying communication is easy, but I’m positive it’s worth it.
Your Pleasure Matters
Many women know what it’s like to fake an orgasm. I’d never had an orgasm in my LIFE until age 32, which means I’d been faking them for 14 years. Without even knowing what I was actually faking!
After that first orgasm but before I knew I was submissive and met John Brownstone, I decided I would never fake pleasure again. Definitely not to make my partner think they were doing a good job.
For some submissives this sounds antithetical. We want our partners to be happy so why wouldn’t we do things for that sole purpose?
Because our pleasure matters too!
I spent 12 years rewarding poor sexual performance with fake cries of pleasure. Sometimes, yes, just to get it over with. (Gawd, he must have thought he was a fucking stud because he could get me off in less than 30 seconds. *insert eyeroll here*)
I will not do it now with a partner who, with a bit of communication and plenty of practice, can actually help me achieve sexual pleasure and satisfaction. I say this as a woman, but I can imagine there are plenty of men who have faked pleasure for some reason or another. While I can’t imagine the scenario in which that works, maybe there’s a scene or something I haven’t considered.
The time we shouldn’t fake it, though, is because our partner is missing the mark, not giving us what we need, and not satisfying a sexual desire we have. All of that can be corrected with communication and practice.
This is a hill I will die on. Do not reward poor performance!
His Pleasure is My Pleasure
So for anyone who doesn’t feel this way about partnered sex, my next statement is going to sound a bit like a contradiction to what I just said. John Brownstone’s pleasure is my pleasure. There are aspects of sex with him that I enjoy that have nothing to do with an orgasm or even being stroked or touched in a specific spot.
I want to “be of use” in our power exchange. He takes what he wants from my body, touching me where he desires, fucking me the way he wants, and that turns me on. I might not get off, but I certainly am ready for that and more. I consent completely and entirely to that kind of sex.
My consent isn’t taken for granted, though. We’ve talked about it and negotiated it into our relationship. He checks in while he’s pounding away, asking, “Do you like this?” and “Are you going to let me take what I want?” My answer is an emphatic, “Yes, yes, YES!”
If I’m not down for sex, in any way, I let him know as soon as possible. Knowing he won’t abuse his privilege, knowing that I definitely have a say in the matter, I can float along and enjoy his moment. And yes, in many ways, that sex is all about him. But because I’m the one he’s finding pleasure in, it’s still all about me. We make two parts of a whole. His pleasure is my pleasure.
In episode 160 of the podcast, we’re going to dive into the topic of sexual submission. Not everyone identifies this way and not every D/s relationship incorporates sex. But for those who do, feel free to share what you’ve learned as a sexual submissive. Talk to us in the comments below or on Twitter!