Consent Is More Than Yes or No in BDSM LB030
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John Brownstone joins Kayla Lords for episode 30 and this week’s topic is a big one: consent. Join them in a long and winding conversation about what consent means and look like in a D/s relationship.
In this episode:
- Special shout-out to Tumblr follower, Ruth Kay, for inspiring the episode.
- Kayla says one word that is a favorite of some listeners.
- John Brownstone discusses consent when a submissive is drunk.
- Consent is more than yes or no.
- Informed consent means understanding what is will happen, communicating what won’t happen, and understanding how toys or implements will feel before they are used.
- What does implied consent mean?
- In a 24/7 power exchange relationship, Dominants may have permission to take what they want, but it doesn’t mean they always should.
- Dominants have a responsibility to their submissives well-being and health – mental, emotional, and physical.
- Submissives have a responsibility to communicate how they feel, if they’re upset or sick, and anything else that may affect a Dominant’s decision.
- Consent requires a certain amount of trust.
- Communication and consent go hand-in-hand.
- Dominants are able to withdraw their consent by ending a scene or refusing to engage in certain activities.
- Basically, there’s much more to consent than yes or no.
Links from the show:
Shout out Ruth Kay on Tumblr for inspiring this week’s episode!
Do You Understand Informed Consent?
Silent Safewords (DomGuide.com)
Listen to the show:
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As a sexual dominant I use sensation toys like floggers, crops, leather straps, nipple clamps on myself to see how the other person will feel them.
I draw the line and letting the sub use them on me. I don’t want a sub getting a picture in their head that they can’t get out, and visa versa. We idealize each other and view each other in a certain way. The images we carry in our heads should be consistent. Maybe my sub would get into playing dominant way more than I want to see and could never get the image out of my head, and the other way is even more serious. I don’t ever want the image of me as a sexual submissive to be in someone’s head. It can undermine the foundation of the relationship.
It is important to know what things feel like. A dom can use the thing in private on themselves to guage the level of sensation it gives. I’ve smacked my self pretty sharply with a leather strap I knew stings. I does sting, but I learned how much time to take between whacks by using it on myself. Same with the flogger. Whip it over my shoulder so it whacks my back. Nipple clamps can be tested too. I didn’t understand why women seemed to have so much sensation on taking them off until I put some on an left them on for a while.
Doms can get a feel this way but we still have to keep in mind that part of a woman going into the submissive zone can not only increase pain tolerance but becomes sexually arousing and pleasurable.
I enjoy having the responsibility of reading responses and protecting a woman from real harm.