Why You Need to Say the Thing You’re Dreading

That thing you want to say but don’t think you should say? You know…the one that might hurt your partner’s feelings or dredge up bad tapes? Hell, maybe it’s going to make them angry.

Those things have to be said. Maybe not immediately, but at some point, you’ve got to have that conversation.

We’ve talked about the difficult conversations you need to have in your D/s relationship before. Everyone goes through them and has to face some version of it.

But there’s more to it than “because we said so.” (That’s almost never a good reason for anything, unless you’re a sadistic D who likes to watch your submissive squirm, of course.)

Let’s talk about all the reasons why you need to have those conversations.

You Learn How to Manage Conflict

Maybe you deal with conflict at work or with your kids. You’re probably thinking you know all about it. Well…probably not. Most of us (myself included) don’t deal well with conflict. In a D/s relationship, where there’s a clear power exchange it should (in theory) be easy, but it’s not.

• A submissive doesn’t want to be seen as topping from the bottom.
• Dominants (some not all) don’t want to be viewed as coddling, spoiling, or giving in. Conversely, they might not want to be seen as an asshole.
• Saying what you need to say might cause an argument and things are so damn good right now.

Sound familiar? Yeah, we know.

When you say the hard thing, you learn how to talk to each other outside of the good times. You have to speak and listen in order to find common ground. Even better, you discover (over time, after many of these conversations) how the other typically reacts to things they don’t want to hear. These things help you communicate better and more clearly.

You Grow Together

Let’s face it. In the beginning of a D/s relationship, things can feel almost perfect. You’re getting the kinky fuckery you’ve been dreaming about. You get to be the person you’ve always felt you were — Dominant or submissive or both. Maybe you’re discovering new things about yourself and your partner.

It feels fucking good, doesn’t it?

Avoiding the difficult topics and things on your mind might feel like a way to keep everything good, but it’s just the opposite.

Part of how we learn and grow as individuals and in a relationship is by going through harder times. Sometimes it’s a trial by fire and the absolute worst gets thrown our way, but most of the time, it’s learning how to navigate the smaller conflicts.

Avoid that, and you miss out on opportunities to grow closer, learn more about each other, and find out how strong you can be together.

Not Communicating Breeds Resentment

We’ve all had that boss, teacher, or authority figure that we wanted to give a piece of our mind to. Maybe we wanted to say, “Fuck you, motherfucker!” Or maybe we just wanted to tell them how wrong they were. Whatever it was, we weren’t in a position to say something.

Once you’ve got something to say and don’t (or can’t) but you have to witness the same behavior over and over again, something happens. You begin to resent the hell out of them.

It might be a low level resentment, and you don’t show as much respect as you once did. Or it’s a deep resentment, and you hate being around them, can’t stand the sight of them, and think only the worst about them.

That kind of resentment grows in relationships, too. Think about past vanilla relationships that didn’t end well. Somewhere in there is probably a moment you really needed to say something and didn’t. How did that go for you? Not good, right?

This week, in episode 129, we’ll talk more about the how and why of having the tough conversations and why you can’t avoid them forever.