Kinky Titles Are Different for All Of Us

When you first figured out whether you were Dominant, submissive, or both (or none of the above), did you worry about what your title was? Did it matter to you? What about when you entered into your first relationship? Did you consider it unimportant or necessary to your identity to have a specific kinky title like Daddy or Mistress or something else? By the way, there’s no single right answer to any of these questions.

Some people I know never gave it any thought until the first time someone asked, “What can I call you?”. At that point, they threw out the first thing that came to mind. Others spent time thinking about it. What did they like? Which name felt right? What were their options? Many submissives I know never worried about their “name” until they entered in a D/s relationship and their Dominant decided what to call them. Frankly, I’ve been called many names over the years. It’s just “Babygirl” that has stuck because it fits the best.

Your Kinky Title May Change

I don’t think it comes as any secret that kinky titles are different for everyone. You might like being called Captain Kinkypants where I prefer Babygirl. You might get wet when you hear “Supreme Ruler of Spankings” but I melt when John Brownstone calls me “little one.” See? We’re all different. Whatever name we choose is the right one as long as it fits us in the moment.

What you might not realize is not only can titles change from relationship to relationship, they can also change over time. When we first got together, John Brownstone was “Sir” and I was…well, whatever he wanted to call me because frankly I just liked that he called me anything. But the aforementioned “little one” continues to be a favorite. When we’re new to D/s or to each other, we have an idea of what we like until it gets put into practice. Over time, we learn new things about ourselves and our partners which means our kinky titles can and do change. This might not happen to everyone, but if it does, it’s normal.

Think Outside the Box

Kinksters frequently email me to ask “What do I call my partner?!” They’ve gone through a list and rejected the most common names they know of: Sir, Master, Mistress, Supreme Ruler of Spankings, etc. Some people say, “This is who I am” and they know what they want to be called. For others, they find it more difficult. But we’re not all that fortunate.

It’s okay to come up with something unique or different for a kinky title. You don’t have to pick a common name or stick with gender norms. Do what feels right for you. Do you have a pet name you call your partner? That can easily become a “title.” Do you think of your partner in certain terms? Try calling them by that name to see what they think of it. For those silently begging for some actual ideas, here are a few I’ve heard of:

• Coach
• Lord
• Lady
• Milady
• Boss – derivatives include Boss Man, Boss Woman, Boss Lady, etc.
• Papi
• Mami
• King
• Queen

“What about the submissive labels?” you might be asking yourself. Well, in our experience, the biggest struggle with titles tends to be for Dominants. Some submissives accept whatever their Dominant wants to call them. Some Dominants use physical or personality traits to figure out a name to call their submissive. Note: If you’ve got your own list of unique or different names to call submissives, please share with us in the comments below!

Reject Kinky Titles if You Want

We haven’t forgotten the kinksters who think, “UGH, I hate fucking titles.” If you’re wondering if you’re weird or crazy for wanting to be called by your given name, you’re not. Just because names and titles in kink are the “norm” doesn’t make them right for everyone. Some kinksters don’t consider Sir or Ma’am to be a title, but a polite term. I say, “Yes, sir” or “Yes, ma’am” to a person who has authority over me. It’s not their title, but I still use the word to show my manners.

I read Sub-Bee’s piece on kinky titles and names, and smiled (partly because I know her and could see in my head) because it’s quickly very clear she’s no less kinky for lack of a specific title. You can have pet names for each other, too, and not use them as titles. Or you can reject anything but call each other filthy or kinky names in the middle of sex or a scene. Ultimately, as in all things kink and BDSM, you can and should choose what works for you. Not having a title or special name doesn’t make you any less Dominant or submissive.

Does it strike anyone else as strange that even though kink clearly occurs outside of the mainstream, we have our own sense of norms? Even in the middle of your BDSM life, we may sit back and wonder, “Am I normal?” or “Am I doing this right?” There is no right or wrong in the way you do your kinky thing except for consent and communication. Claim your kinky title or reject it. Use multiple names or stick with one. Find what works best for you, your partner, and/or your relationship and forget the rest.

We’re taking part in Kink of the Week (and will try to do so on a regular basis going forward). This week’s theme looks at names and titles. If you want proof that we all do it differently, click the button below to go read other perspectives.