Q&A: Should I Reconnect with My Kinky Friend?

by Kayla Lords · Published January 5, 2026 · Updated January 9, 2026

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A kinkster hasn’t had a great time with a kinky friend, but they miss the friendship they had at one time.

Here’s the question:

My question is related to BDSM but it’s about a friend rather than a partner. I am dominant and I have recently distanced myself from a long term friend due to them putting receiving attention from men above the negative consequences that attention had on friends. As well as being passive and not taking a strong stance against a man who used racial slurs as a joke. (Just to clarify my friend didn’t use the racial slurs but still chose not to speak up in a group chat or to leave the group chat.)

When confronted by me about this they chose to be dismissive until I became visibly upset and angry. The friend has apologized and wants to make up. They now have a new partner that they want me to be excited for. Despite my hurt I do miss my old friend and it was nice to have someone to talk about kink with.

Because of everything I worry that opening up about my experiences with my long term BF might be used as drama by my friend. I feel conflicted as I want to be a forgiving person, and I don’t want to lose friends. Especially as I don’t have a huge amount and not all my friends are kinky or have an interest in talking about this aspect of my life.

However it is hard to move past the new light I now see my former friend in, and I also feel embarrassed about the way I dealt with my negative feelings towards my friend saying some hurtful things I wish I could take back. (As a people pleaser, I let them build up until I exploded in anger.)

We have tried talking it out and I have taken a break. We haven’t seen each other in person in 3 months and rarely talk online. My friend is now having issues with her roommates and has reached out again wanting to meet and wanting me to meet her new boyfriend. (She hasn’t always been the most positive about my current relationship which I am happy and feel supported in). I don’t know what to do! Please help.