Q&A: Are These Unwanted Behaviors a Red Flag?

by Kayla Lords · April 21, 2025

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 15:20 — 17.6MB)

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A submissive had to ask their partner to stop doing something twice, and now they worry it’s a red flag.

Here’s the question:

I am in a 3-year Daddy Dom D/s relationship with my boyfriend. He is an amazing partner and Daddy. He is protective, looks after me and is supportive and encouraging in every aspect of my life (both in kink and vanilla life). He has ADHD and this is something we both work within the relationship to accommodate.

A few months ago he playfully tapped my cheek in conversation (this wasn’t done out of anger) but it made me feel uncomfortable and I addressed this with him. (I also work with neurodivergent children and sometimes when they are overstimulated they will tap or squeeze as a way to self regulate and that is what this felt like to me even in the moment it happened.)

I addressed it with my boyfriend in a very casual, vague way and he agreed that he wouldn’t do it again, Later that day when we were relaxing he got up and told me to get up too (to start the day as he had a fun date planned) and he playfully reached out and tapped my cheek again. I was very upset by this and we spoke and he apologised and reassured me that it won’t happen again and that he did it impulsively and out of habit as he is very playful/play fighting with friends and family (which I have witnessed).

In the past when a boundary has been breached he has been very respectful and over the past two months every time I have brought this up (in an anxious moment) he has given me space to talk it through and also encouraged me to talk to my mom if that would help me feel more comfortable.

I have a history of trauma (which he has been helping me to gradually work through). My question is this a red flag? I don’t want to break up with him as I love him but I also worry that he may be saying all the right things but this will happen again and lead to something worse. Am I letting my past trauma impact my present relationship?