Q&A: How Do I Navigate Being New to Sex and Kink

by Kayla Lords · March 31, 2025

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A submissive is about to move in with their long distance partner. The submissive is new to sex and kink and has never done either. They have anxiety, and their partner has ADHD. And they’re asking how to navigate ALL of it.

Here’s the question:

I am currently in a long-distance relationship. (He’s American and 25 yrs old, and I’m in the UK and 23 yrs old.) We have known each other for three years, and this is my first relationship ever. He has been in one relationship in college, went through a phase in the summer before we met of casual hook-ups and has attended some local BDSM classes with a friend.

We talk everyday and have met in person around 5 times. We’re now planning for him to come and live with me and my family in the UK as a trial as his job has become remote.

I have attended a few local munches with a friend in my area, but we found it to be mostly older men who made us feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. The last time we met (over Christmas) he admitted to me that he was nervous to have sex again as it’s now been 2 years since he had sex and doesn’t want to push me or trigger my anxiety around sex.

I want to progress our relationship and explore my submissive side. My boyfriend says not to rush and that it’s okay, that he doesn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable but also feels that I am using past issues as an excuse to myself as a reason because I am scared and that he can’t do any more to prove to me that I can trust him. (He has ADHD and has unintentionally, impulsively said comments that have hurt my feelings in the past that we talked through.)

I want to have sex and I feel ready to explore but I also feel very nervous. I want to be submissive (it helps to calm my nervousness and I feel very seen by him in that headspace) but I wondered if you had any advice for a first-timer to both? Also any advice on how to navigate neurodivergence and anxiety in a long-distance kinky relationship?