Q&A: Am I Really Submissive?

by Kayla Lords · Published January 13, 2025 · Updated January 12, 2025

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 16:33 — 20.9MB)

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In this week’s episode, their partner is willing to top them but not be their Dominant. They also have conflicted feelings about their submission leading them to wonder if they’re really submissive at all.

Here’s the question:

I (27NB) and my partner (28M) have been together for 7 years now. We stepped into kink maybe 2 years ago. We both came into the community together. He was interested in being a Dominant which led to caregiver/Daddy and I a submissive/babygirl/brat.

My partner initially struggled with how to feel comfortable dominating me when historically in our relationship I’ve always been the leader. I introduced kink & what it was and set the schedule for scenes & educational classes, munches. So when yall did the episode on Assertive Submissives I was like THATS ME!

Fast forward to the last year and life, well lifed. We’ve had talks and he’s communicated to me that Dominant doesn’t actually resonate with him, he prefers to only top me. Alright, no biggie. I have also continued (most) of my submissive tasks since then.

Here’s my question:

There’s currently been this ongoing battle with myself internally from the beginning. When it came time to submit, sometimes I felt this internal pull where half of me wanted to fall to my knees with no questions asked. The other half was fighting me the entire way down to my knees. Since we’ve essentially ended our D/s dynamic, I’ve been questioning my identity. Am I really submissive? This was my first and only D/s dynamic. Kayla puts it the best, “in theory” we would be non-monogamous and I could outsource a dynamic, however… I want to serve only him. I understand I cannot force him to be something he doesn’t want to be, I’d never. But I feel really lost.