Q&A: How Do I Help My Dom Act More Commanding?

by Kayla Lords · Published May 13, 2024 · Updated May 12, 2024

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A submissive needs more commands and strictness from their Dominant to feel the power exchange, but they’re not getting what they need.

Here’s the question:

My kind sadist seems to be under the impression that I enjoy him giving me freedom and him asking instead of commanding etc. I have been trying to communicate to him that commands equals clarity equals safety and that I really don’t need so much leash as he’s giving me. I get my kicks from feeling that he’s got a (mental) grip on me, and often he seems soft to me… it almost feels like the power gap doesn’t exist outside of play, even though we both agreement that we want it to. He feels it’s there but I just don’t feel it because he doesn’t communicate it to me… I just do what he wants because I’m a service oriented, obedient person but I would do the same also in a vanilla relationship… so just serving him, without him reminding me of the power dynamic does not do the trick for me.

If I fall short in something / forget something he often just understands… doesn’t want to demand too much, and skips punishment (or says he will think about it / punish me later and then forgets). This makes me feel like I’m not kept accountable -> dynamic doesn’t exist -> I get discouraged and feel it’s pointless to obey when he doesn’t require it. All of this is a turn-off..

At the same time I know this is him trying to take me into consideration and he does it with love and good intention. There’s something about what appeals to me in him being dominant that I just seem to not manage to communicate to him. My question is, what can I do to encourage him to be more strict as a dominant and give me those kicks I get when he reminds me of our power gap?

I do talk about this with him, so if your solution is to talk, please give some pointers on what to say and how to maybe explain it in a way he could understand? I’m 100% sub and he’s 100% dominant, no switches here, and even though we love each other, we cannot relate to why the other enjoys their side of the slash… but happy that we both do.

Also, I’ve noticed that he gets insecure in his dominance when I talk about this. I’d love to find a way to communicate that does not make him feel he’s failed some way… I’d love to be able to communicate this wish in a positive and encouraging way.

There’s one more twist to the story… we broke up and got back together a while ago and ever since he’s been more careful than before. I think he’s feeling sorry for what happened and he doesn’t want to lose me and is trying his best to be loving. But it makes him soft…