How We Parent as Kinksters | 30 Days of D/s

A lot of parents worry that they can’t be into kink because they’ve got young kids or curious kids or kids at all. We fundamentally disagree with that idea.

Are there precautions to take to maintain your privacy? Yes.

Do you have to change some of what you’d like to do because you don’t want your kids to walk in on you? Definitely.

But being a parent doesn’t automatically stop you from getting kinky – at least not forever.

We can’t tell you how to parent your children and get your kink on. But what we can do is tell you how we handle things. As with all things related to parenting (and kink), ignore what doesn’t speak to you and try what does.

But if you’re worried kink is off the table for you because of your kids, maybe this will help.

For context, we have two kids, a 16 year old and a 12 year old.

We Schedule Our Kinky Fuckery

I figured I’d start here because how to get fuckery is often a top worry of parents.

When the kids were younger, scheduling was a must. These days, now that they’re older and more independent, we have more time to ourselves.

We made plans around visits to grandma’s house. Having a babysitter was a challenge but for the short time we had one, it was amazing. We would make plans for scenes in the middle of the day when they were in school.

Basically, we looked for kid-free time and then planned our BDSM play around that. Sometimes we had to make it happen — by begging a grandparent to watch them or using a sick day at work. Sometimes the stars aligned and it just worked out without a lot of effort.

We Learned How to Be Quiet

I’m a screamer, a shouter, a yeller of “Mother-fucking-hell that hurt!” And impact play, our favorite kink, isn’t always quiet. But when you have kids, and you don’t want to answer questions about BDSM, you learn to be quiet or you learn to go without.

Is my orgasm better when I can scream it out? Of course it is. But if my choice is between no orgasm and one that I grunt out through clenched teeth, I’ll take the second option.

Do we prefer big paddles, loud wailing, and hardcore impact? Absolutely. But if all we can do is a few light taps or punching (which is very thuddy and kind of quiet), then we’ll take it.

Everything about parenting is a lesson in figuring out how to keep these small humans healthy and whole while also getting your needs met. Sometimes it requires sacrifice (okay, it almost always requires sacrifice). But we don’t sacrifice all pleasure in the name of parenthood — we just find new ways to do old kinky faves at a level we enjoy.

And let’s be real, as most parents have experienced, at certain stages of life, there’s almost no time or energy for sex or fuckery. That’s true with us, too. So sometimes we don’t do anything for a long time because there’s too much going on or there’s no easy way to get around the kids being too close or the walls being too thin.

We Embraced the Idea of Subtle Power Exchange

Maybe it’s our personalities or maybe it’s because we’ve always been in a power exchange relationship together with kids around. But we quickly embraced more subtle forms of power and control.

A lot of my tasks look very “normal.” Making coffee. Plating up dinner. Doing certain chores.

For me, it’s not always what I’m doing but why I’m doing it. And if it’s because John Brownstone said so, that keeps me in a very submissive mindset. Which means technically I’m getting kinky with the kids around. It just doesn’t look like it to anyone but us.

I love that this is transferable to any other situation. As long as I continue to have “everyday” tasks, I can be my submissive self when family visits, when we’re out in public, or anytime we’re not surrounded by kinksters.

We Limit the Use of Titles

I don’t call him “Daddy” in front of the kids. Partly because they’re old enough to have questions I don’t want to answer. Partly because they heard me refer to their biological father as that when they were little. (Pro tip for parents who also use “Daddy” or “Mommy” titles with each other: The kids think it’s your “name” but you know it’s also a title.)

It helps that the kids call him “Mr. John” so I call him that too. Sure, it helps reinforce the name for them, but I use it like a title. I don’t like calling him “John” because I think of him as “Daddy.” Using their name for him adds a layer of formality and is different enough to feel like a title.

He refers to me as “Mom” when he’s talking to the kids. He calls be “BG” when they’re around but not paying attention to us. And, unfortunately, he uses my legal name (no, it’s not Kayla, lol) when we have no other choice. Ugh, I hate it, but we don’t feel comfortable using our titles in certain spaces.

That means when we’re alone, it can take a minute to adjust to using titles again. But we try to do it because, like fuckery, we know we have to take advantage of opportunities like this when we can.

We Answer Questions Simply

How we answer curious questions from our kids has changed as they’ve gotten older. But we’ve always answered simply, honestly, and in an age-appropriate way.

Them: “Why do you always make Mr. John’s coffee for him?”

Me: “Because it makes me happy to take care of him that way, and he likes how I make coffee.”

Did I need to go into the full explanation of power exchange? Nope. Did I say anything untrue? Also no.

We’ve made it a priority to raise them to be sex-positive, and we have had a lot of conversations about sex, consent, communication, not yucking someone’s yum, and more. The questions get more complicated and deeper as they get older, but we want to raise kids who might not be into kink but won’t judge someone for it, either.

We Remind Ourselves They Will Grow Up…Eventually

I can’t offer words of wisdom if your children are infants or young toddlers. My kids were past those stages when I met John Brownstone. I imagine that the same problems for any parents of newborns is an issue, whether you’re kinky or not. Sleepless nights. Lack of time. Lack of desire. Wondering if you’ll ever get your sex life back.

As they get older, certain things get easier. They need us a lot less these days. We don’t have to entertain them, and they can be left home alone for several hours at a time. Hell, when they’re playing a video game in their bedroom with the door closed, a bomb could go off in the living room and they’d never notice. So sneaking away to our bedroom for 20 minutes is easy.

But it wasn’t always like that and living situations don’t always make that easy.

When you’re wondering if you’ll ever get your kink on again or get to live as your full kinky self, remember this: They will eventually grow up. It won’t always be like this.

A Few More Tips…

This won’t apply for everyone, obviously, but there are some practical things we did and still do as parents who also create kinky content online:

• We set up computers and desks so they couldn’t see our screen. When in doubt, screen guards can help a bit. (This is the one I use on my Macbook.) Now that they’re older, we try to be aware of when they’re in our office and minimize anything on the screen we deem inappropriate. But otherwise, we don’t hide our screens as much these days.
• We used to have sex toys and other kink mail sent to a PO box. To be honest, we still do, but I don’t freak out anymore if a vibrator gets mailed to our house.
• Recordings, phone conversations, and playtime that couldn’t be kept quiet happened after they went to bed. We were blessed with thick walls and heavy sleepers for a few years, and we used it to our advantage. Now we do as much as possible while they’re at school since we both work from home.
• For several years, we referred to our work as “for grown-ups” or “adult stuff.” Now that they’re older, we may be slightly more specific but we still don’t go into details.
• Sometimes we ask them to leave the room because of something we’re working on. I want them to know they can come to us at anytime and that we’re available for them as much as possible. But I have no problem setting and enforcing a boundary or asking for space, too.

Bottom Line

Parenting is a lot of things, including tough on your sex, romantic, and/or kink life. But being a parent doesn’t automatically disqualify you from getting your kink on. Yes, there are people who will think you’re an unfit parent. Yes, there are things you may not want your children to know about your intimate life…at their current age or ever. But you’re not doomed to live a kink-free life forever, either.

Just like vanilla parents, we have to make adjustments to our personal lives in order to take care of a kid. There will be some years when kink feels non-existent or not as good as it once was. But there will be times when it’s amazing, and you feel like your kinky self again.

Want to figure out what Dominance, submission, and power exchange mean to you? You can do 30 Days of D/s, too. Get the 30 Days of D/s workbook here!