Reaching Your Kinky Goals Using Vanilla Tips [2020 Edition]

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It’s rare to hear the kinky things we want to try, do, and learn referred to as “goals” but that’s what they are. That plan in your head about how you’re going to transition to 24/7 D/s this year? That’s a goal. The burning desire to learn rope bondage? A goal. The conversation you had with your partner about how you want to try wax play, fire cupping, or a single-tail whip? Goals, goals, goals.

We’ve talked in the past about setting BDSM, kink, and D/s goals. Since we’re at the beginning of the year, let’s talk about how you’ll achieve your goals. And yes, we’re using very vanilla methods to do it. Because why not?

Note: If you prefer audio or video content, scroll to the end for the video version.

Write It Down

By “write it down” I don’t mean you’re required to use pen and paper — unless you want to. I have four paper planners for 2020 (and yes, I’m aware that’s probably excessive). If you prefer digital, your options are almost unlimited: Trello, Evernote, your note app, a Google Doc, a Word doc, to-do apps. And if you’re like me and prefer paper, you can use a journal (bullet or otherwise), a planner, or a plain-old piece of paper.

Very little can happen while it lives in your head, swirling around up there. Writing it down, getting it out of your head, is your starting point. It gives you something to go back to later when you’re ready to work on it. And if you reach your goal, you can cross it off your list as done. (I’m almost positive that crossing items off a to-do list is a kink because it definitely makes me feel orgasmic every time I do.)

Tip: If you’re using a D/s or BDSM contract (which isn’t required but some people love them), consider that your list of goals. Especially if your contract includes a lot of new things you’re both going to do. Instead of trying to follow the entire contract on Day 1, ease into new activities and use your contract as your list.

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Give Yourself a Deadline

Deadlines are tricky things. Some of us see them as an end date to work towards, and we plot a course to the finish line. Others feel a lot more pressure once they have a specific deadline. If they make you nervous, set one as far out as you need to so that you feel comfortable. But “someday” and “in the future” aren’t goals, they’re dreams. Having a timeframe to work with gives you an opportunity to plan your way forward.

I like to have a longer goal (like by the end of 2020) and then reverse engineer what I’d have to do each week or month to reach that deadline. Here’s the thing with a deadline you make for a goal you’ve dreamt up — it’s all under your control. If you get to your deadline, and you still don’t know how to tie a knot or throw a whip, it’s okay. Extend your deadline. You haven’t failed because you didn’t reach a specific day on the calendar.

Tip: You can also give yourself times each day or week that you need to work on your goal. These can also be considered mini-deadlines. Add it to your to-do list or whatever you use to keep yourself organized each week so you know when you need to work on it.

Stack Your Habits

Many of our goals involve forming new habits. Maybe you’re trying to transition into a full-time submissive after being in a long distance relationship for a year. Maybe you want to take your bedroom-only D/s to 24/7 D/s. Those are worthy goals — that all involve changing long-standing habits. The secret about habits is that they’re our brains on autopilot. They’re easy to do and hard to break because we literally do not have to think about them.

Stacking your habits (or habit-stacking) is a trick to make it a little easier to form new habits. You can do in a few ways: pair like activities together or match a new habit with an existing habit where it makes sense. My very vanilla example is that I pair dropping the kids off at school with going to the gym. I’m already in the car, and it’s the right time of day. It’s much easier to go, and it’s easy to remember.

Tip: Think about what new kinky habits you’re trying to create and how you might match them with something you already do.

• If you always go to your bedroom when you get home from work, make sure your collar is visible when you walk in — so you can change into it.
• If you always send a good morning message to your partner, make that the moment you ask for permission (as a submissive) or follow up on a task (as a Dominant).
• Group a few new habits you want to achieve that are similar that you’ll do together, plan a time when you’ll do them (that’s a deadline!), and write it down on your to-do list each day.

Those are just examples, so fill-in-the-blank with your kinky goals and the habits you need to form to reach them.

Bottomline

As a person who geeks out on goals, planning, and to-do lists, I know there are dozens of tricks, tips, and methods to reach a goal. These are the three I use most often because they work for me. No single method works for everyone, and it takes a lot of trial and error to find your groove. It’s easy for many of us to begin a new goal and much more difficult to keep going once a few weeks have gone by. That’s okay, too. You’re not failing just because you’re moving slowly. Inch by inch, and step by step still leads to a destination.

Your turn! For my fellow organizational and planning geeks out there: what methods do you use to achieve your goals?