When Other Things Take Priority Over Your Kinky Fuckery

On the day I’m writing this, the kids have already left for a three-week visit at their grandparents house — after a month at home for the summer. John Brownstone and I have talked (read: complained) multiple times about our lack of privacy over the past month. It happens every summer, but this year feels worse.

So if you assume that on this first day of “freedom,” we ran back to the bedroom, stripped down, and got kinky the moment they left, it’s understandable…but that’s not what happened.

Instead, we went grocery shopping because we were nearly out of everything. Then he took a nap, and I got a bit of work done. After that, we walked the dog. Then we had a minor “disagreement” because we’re both tired and cranky (the boys left at 5:30am, so we’ve been up for a while).

Basically, other things took priority over our need to get kinky. It happens — to everyone. But that doesn’t make it any less frustrating, especially when it feels like EVERYTHING is a higher priority. Here are a few things we’ve done to get our kink on, even when vanilla responsibilities get in the way.

Schedule It

A lot of people resist the idea of scheduling kinky fuckery or sex. They think it takes the magic or spontaneity out of it. In my experience, I’d rather have a day and time set and get my kink on, rather than be constantly frustrated that we haven’t found the “perfect” time in several weeks.

And when life still interferes (our original schedule was approximately “five minutes after they leave”) — reschedule it. Scheduling any intimacy you can (sex, kink, cuddles, whatever) helps you make it a priority. It reminds you that this is an important thing you WANT to do.

Also, you can legitimately tell someone else asking for a meeting, a coffee, a whatever that you have a “meeting.” They don’t need to know you’ll be naked (or in your favorite fetish gear), doing ALL the kinky things. To outsiders, you have another obligation and need to meet with them at a different time.

Play Hooky (When You Can)

Spontaneity isn’t completely dead in boring vanilla lives. If you know it’s been a while since you’ve gotten your kink on, take advantage of random times when all is quiet. Sometimes you do that by deciding this thing (starting laundry, going to the post office, arriving on time for work) isn’t as important as you think it is.

Snatching time together when you can, even if it’s less than you want, is better than none at all. I’ll take a 15 minute spanking once a week over an hour long session once a month. (Let’s be real, though, I want both.)

The really decadent days are when I can justify not working during the morning so we can do whatever we want for a few hours. If you work a job with paid time off, consider it a mental health day. In a way, it is. Many of us find mental clarity after a bit of kinky fuckery.

Talk About Re-Prioritizing

There are times in life when everything else has to come first. Kids, jobs, homes, other partners, family, roommates, health, life. Things move at breakneck speed, and all you can do is hold on for the ride. In the process, kink slides to the side, no longer an immediate priority.

Eventually, though, life calms down. But many people can find themselves in new patterns and routines. Or they tell themselves this is the new normal, and their partner must want it this way. Why? Because their partner hasn’t said or done anything different. Your partner may be thinking the same thing and waiting for you to make a move.

When you catch yourself in this cycle, it’s time for a conversation. If your life has drastically changed and you can’t go back to what you had before, you definitely need to talk. Sit down and figure out what you’re both missing and how you can work together to get some (or all) of it back in your life. Make a plan, but be patient with yourselves. It may take longer than you’d like to get your kinky lives back.

Find Alternative Options

We talk about this one a lot — when you have no privacy, when you’re traveling, when you’re long distance. When you can’t do the things you prefer: walking around naked, tying your partner to the living room furniture, using titles — it’s time to find alternatives.

What can you do that helps you stay in tune with your kinky self? You may have to get creative — and it may take a while to feel that spark of power exchange that you’re looking for. But keep trying things until you figure out what works for you. Much of BDSM is mental, anyway. Yes, the physical is fun, but if you can tap into each other’s minds, you may get what you need in new and exciting ways.

And what are we doing? Our first option is to re-schedule. We may take a nap and try again tonight or we may skip dinner and opt for kinky fuckery instead. But one way or another, we’ll get our kink on as soon as possible and during the next few weeks — as much as we can.