5 Things You Should Always Say or Hear in Your D/s Relationship

We keep our eyes on the search terms people use to find us here at Loving BDSM, as well as on our personal blogs. And someone searched “10 things to never say to a Dominant” and I was puzzled. Are there really that many things no submissive should ever say to their Dominant? I’m not so sure about that.

Maybe “Hey asshole, tried harder next time” or “Can’t you hit harder than that?” might make that list, but for all I know someone is a SAM (smart-ass masochist), and it’s part of their play.

I prefer to focus on the positive. Are there things that we should always say to each other, whether we’re Dominant or submissive? John Brownstone and I think so. Here are a few…

Thank You

It doesn’t matter what side of the slash you’re on, you can and should show gratitude in your D/s relationship. While it tends to be said by submissives most often, Doms can (and should!) say it, too. Real gratitude, the kind you can feel in your bones, can’t really be forced, but it can certainly be earned. When you show your appreciation and gratitude for what the other contributes, they’re more likely to keep doing it.

Please

Again, this is an either side of the slash thing. For some D/s couples, it’s sexy for a submissive to only hear commands. Maybe you have a high protocol power exchange that consists primarily of orders. But manners are always sexy, and anyone and everyone can say “Please” from time to time. Of course, submissives say it a lot. “Please can I come?” is probably our favorite. But “Will you please get me a cup of coffee, babygirl” makes me a happy woman.

Good ______

Obviously, this is something a Dom or top will say to a submissive or bottom. Okay, so not everyone wants a “Good girl” and it may be “Good boy” or “Good kitten” or whatever. The point isn’t the specific phrase. It’s the appreciation.  While it might not be something that gets said often (there are arguments that saying it too often can make it lose it’s meaning and power), you shouldn’t be stingy with your praise either. If your sub pleases you, tell them.

May I…?

From a submissive perspective, when you say this or “Can I” or “Will you” or some other version, you’re asking permission. Maybe you have a dynamic where you ask permission for everything and maybe it’s only for certain things. For me, it’s “Can I wear panties today, Daddy?” or “May I have a special treat?” I ask. He decides.

From a Dominant perspective, this tends to be about consent. “May I use this new toy?” or “Can I keep going?” or “Will you let me continue?” Some (wrong-headed people) believe asking is a sign of weakness. Fuck that. Asking means you care about what your submissive thinks, feels, and wants. Sure, in a kinky scene, commands may fly, but asking shows you understand consent.

What Do You Want?

As a submissive, I tend to ask this to remind John Brownstone he’s The Decider™ in this relationship. It helps him make a decision, and let’s him know that I’m willing to follow whatever he chooses. It’s not something I use a lot but it is effective. From him, it means, “Tell me your desires” or “Share your thoughts with me.” Of course, it can mean anything you want it to mean, but it’s always a conversation starter. And it shows that you’re thinking about your partner’s needs, wants, and desires — and not just your own.

So, of course, as with all things, the exact wording you use might be different. Even if you don’t say these exact phrases, as long as the meaning and intent are there, that’s what really matters. In episode 130, we’ll discuss the things that can and should always be said — including in kinky fuckery — and a few things you might want to avoid saying to keep the lines of communication open.

Are there other things that you think should always be said in any relationship? Share with us in the comments or on Twitter!