Do You Need a BDSM Mentor?

Long story short? Only if you want one.

No one needs anything in BDSM other than consent, communication, and trust. The last of those develops once you have the first two.

But some newbie kinksters want a mentor. They’re treading on new ground, afraid of making mistakes, and feel like they’d do better with guidance.

So, back to the question. Do you need a BDSM mentor?

The Case for Having a BDSM Mentor

The idea of mentors (and protectors) probably has it’s genesis in the old days of BDSM when someone in the scene earned leathers, moved up in the ranks, and didn’t get to the first party until they were properly vetted. But I’ll let kinksters with decades of experience say for sure.

Or maybe it’s a 21st century invention of too many strangers all vying for attention and some bad characters getting through.

Either way, what a mentor can provide is a lot like what a D/s relationship can provide — whatever it is you need and want and that both parties consent to.

• Having a trusted source to turn to with questions
• Learning how to navigate the world of dungeons, play parties, and scenes
• Guidance in an online world of misinformation
• A second opinion when you wonder if you’re on the right track
• Ideas for how to do this BDSM “thing”

When you connect with the right person, a mentor can be an excellent sounding board and support for you as you learn and grow. They’re more friend than someone telling you what to do (or they ought to be). Of course, that’s a best case scenario and like D/s, that’s not what will happen for everyone looking for a mentor.

Why You May Not Need a Mentor

In another century with limited access to information, a BDSM mentor made sense. How else were you supposed to know where to go, how to dress, and what to say? Most of the BDSM fun was kept locked away and mostly spoken in code. A mentor could teach you the “language” of BDSM. They could also vet you and decide if you were safe or not (not a fool proof method, for sure, but possibly better than nothing).

These days, if you want BDSM information, Google is a click or tap away for the vast majority of kinksters venturing into the lifestyle. Yes, you have to weed through bad information, and yes you’ll read lots of crap before you get to good info. But that’s part of the learning process, isn’t it? Sometimes we have to stumble, fall, and learn before we can grow.

How much better does a lesson stick when we learn from a not-so-great experience? Would some of us move a little slower without the “cushion” of a mentor who can tell us we’re doing it all wrong? And much like a D/s relationship, if you pair up with a mentor who isn’t a good fit, will you learn as much as you could on your own?

These are complicated questions with no easy answers.

Consider Your Motivations

We won’t tell you to seek out a BDSM mentor or not. The decision is completely yours. We act as unofficial mentors from time to time, happy to answer questions but unwilling to hold someone’s hand through their individual BDSM journey. What we will say, if the idea appeals to you, is to consider your motivations first.

Are you looking for someone to tell you what to do? You need a top instead of a mentor.

Do you simply need to know what resources you can trust? That’s a lot less complicated than a mentorship.

Have you been through really bad experiences and now don’t trust yourself or anyone else? Finding a mentor is not quite as difficult as finding a partner, but it’s not always easy, either. Be aware of that if move forward.

Are you scared of the whole process of dipping your toe into BDSM? A community of kinky friends that normalizes the idea of BDSM may help more than a mentor.

Look, everything about BDSM is a personal journey. Sometimes we get to walk the path with a partner and sometimes we have to go it alone for a while. Having a BDSM mentor is a personal decision that only you can make.

It’s okay to want and need guidance. BDSM can seem really complicated when you’re new and trying to navigate your wants, needs, and desires. Before you go out looking for a mentor or ask the 30-year practitioner of kink at your local munch if they’ll do it, just make sure you know why you want one and what you’re trying to accomplish.

Now it’s your turn…have you ever been a BDSM mentor for someone? Did you have a mentor when you were new? Do you want a mentor now as a new kinkster? Please share your experiences with us in the comments below!

In episode 118 of the podcast, we talk about BDSM mentors and protectors.