Are There Rules for Being a Submissive? LB043

Kayla Lords hosts episode 43 and answers a listener’s question: what are the rules for being a submissive?

In this episode:

  • Kinky patrons are always welcome. Support the podcast through Patreon!
  • The sarcastic answer to the rules question is: whatever your Dominant says. The less sarcastic answer is: whatever you and your partner agree to.
  • In reality, the “rules” of being a good submissive are not that different from the rules of being a good human – with a kinky twist of course.
  • Be honest.
  • Communicate.
  • Show respect.
  • Have integrity.
  • Look for the good Dominants.
  • Be yourself.
  • Educate yourself.
  • Understand safety.
  • Never forget about consent.
  • If you have any other rules you’d recommend, share in the comments below or email them!

Links from the show:

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Full Transcript

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 43. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here! This week I’m answering a question I recently received – what are the rules for being a submissive. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at All links are in the show notes.

Real quick reminder: for those who love this podcast and want to help keep it running or just show their appreciation, I am always looking for kinky patrons over on Patreon – www dot patreon dot com slash Kayla Lords will get you there. As many of you know, you wouldn’t be listening to this podcast without help from my kinky patrons that allowed us to get a professional quality microphone. Your support is appreciated – in any amount and it’s used to help me do this, my kinky writing, and keep the website going, too. So…if you’re interested and able, feel free to check me out on Patreon.

Now on to the show.

Okay, at first glance, the answer to the ultimate question – what are the rules – is pretty simple.

Whatever you and your Dominant agree to.

Okay, that’s it. Show’s over.


When I received this question, I honestly thought I couldn’t answer it. That there was no answer. Silly me. There’s always an answer. I just had to think on it for a bit.

Some of the rules for submissives have zero to do with BDSM or D/s. They’re the rules we should all follow to be nice people.

Be honest. We should always be honest when we can, but of course it’s crazy important in D/s. And by honest, I mean, admit when you’re already married or in another relationship. Answer a potential partner’s questions as fully as you can – how can either of you get kinky and stay safe if you don’t disclose that you have a back problem or that you bleed easily or whatever your thing may be.

Next, communicate, communicate, communicate. Whether you’re in a relationship or finding one, you need to be willing to talk to each other. Sometimes it’s hard – especially when you’re new to the lifestyle or to the idea of expressing yourself or when it’s a big topic. That’s why I always include writing as a form of communication. Pro tip, though. Don’t think you can exclusively write everything and avoid actually speaking. It’s good when it’s a really hard topic or when you’re still learning, but eventually you need to use your words.

Next, show respect. Okay, caveat! Show respect to those who treat you with respect and have earned your respect. You don’t have to be respectful to the idiot who messages you on Fetlife and demands your submission. You can tell that dumbass to fuck off. But throwing temper tantrums when a calm conversation would work, calling names, purposefully disobeying (and not for funishment, y’all) – those are rarely okay. And I say “rarely” because everyone is different and every situation is different. Sometimes, the only way you get the attention you need is to do something that probably seems disrespectful. But that shouldn’t be the go to method. Always start from a place of respect – as long as the other person deserves it.

Have integrity. Simply put – do what you say you will, be truthful (there’s that honesty thing again), and be real. Sneaking around, lying, manipulating – none of those things are good. And if you’re in a relationship where that’s the only way you can get what you need, you’re probably in the wrong relationship. Not always a bad one, but likely a very wrong one.

Look for the good Doms. We already covered this in episode 42 – link in the show notes page – but instead of falling for every cheap trick and sad line from the wannabes, know in your mind what it takes to find a good one, and reject the rest.

Be yourself. I don’t care if you’re vanilla or kink, I absolutely hate to see someone twist themselves inside out to be something they’re not just to get a partner or please a partner. You want the person who wants you for you, not for who you pretend to be, and frankly it’s hard to be honest or have integrity when you’re pretending.

Educate yourself. There is something to be said for discovering the world of kinky sex, BDSM, or D/s with your partner. And many submissives have this desire – or wish – or fantasy (call it what you want) of being led in the lifestyle by their Dominant partner. It’s not an impossible thing, and you will absolutely learn a lot within a D/s relationship and it is a journey. And yes, there are Doms out there who really prefer leading their submissive down a chosen path. There’s nothing wrong with that, either (assuming they’re one of the good ones) But educate yourself first and foremost. Read about BDSM and D/s. Learn from other people’s experiences. Hell, even reading erotica will give you an idea of what turns you on as long as you remember most of what you’re reading is fantasy. Keep asking questions – like everyone who keeps inspiring all these podcast episodes.

Know about safety. This could go hand-in-hand with educating yourself, but I want to call this one out as a separate issue because it’s so important. Safewords are not a weakness – and when you’re new in the lifestyle or new with a partner be very skeptical when someone says they don’t use one. If you use one and they want to play with you, then they need to use one too. Safe calls are another thing. When you arrange to meet a new Dominant for the first time, make sure someone knows where you’re going and who you’re going with and when you should be back. Arrange to call them at specific times and if you don’t call, they should call the police or someone who can check on you. And yes, you can arrange these things even when the person you trust the most lives thousands of miles away.

Never forget consent. Male, female, straight, gay, bi, queer, trans, I don’t care who or what you are, everyone has the right to give or withdraw their consent at any point. In all relationships, but especially new ones, consent should be clear. If something happens, and you’re not feeling it anymore – a weird vibe, a cramp in your leg, a panic attack, whatever, you are allowed to withdraw your consent at any point. In the middle of a scene, that will likely be your safeword – which is why you never start a scene without knowing what it is. Once you’re like me and John Brownstone and have played together for a long time, we don’t have to have the discussion. I know our safeword is red and he knows if I use it, everything stops. But frankly, he’s paying enough attention to me, most of the time, that he stops before I get to that point.

Okay, so basically I went from basics of BDSM to the really heavy topics of safety and consent. Aren’t I a little ball of sunshine? Ha!

I’ve been racking my brains trying to think of other quote rules that a submissive could use to help them navigate this lifestyle – and frankly, these rules apply whether you’re sub or Dom. So since I’m coming up blank – watch, as soon as the episode goes live, I’ll think of five more things – I’ll leave it with you. Are there other rules – either in looking back on dumb stuff you did when you were still new or from watching other people – that subs and all kinksters should keep in mind as they navigate the lifestyle? Share in the comments on the show notes page or shoot me an email!

That’s it for me this week. Hopefully I’ll get John Brownstone back in the saddle with me – rawr, that sounds like fun, right – anyway hopefully we’ll be together on the show soon. Until then, keep it kinky, y’all, and we’ll see you next week.

1 Response

  1. July 11, 2018

    […] all unique and there’s no single right way to be a submissive. But, all that said, let’s talk about the different types of […]

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