Being Physically Fit for Kink LB033
Kayla Lords hosts episode 33 and discusses a personal problem that probably affects other kinksters – she’s not able to do some of her favorite kinky things because she’s out of shape.
In this episode:
- Kayla’s new book, Kinky Love Notes, is now out and available for purchase!
- A few disclaimers about body weight, physical fitness, and being fat: Fat bodies are beautiful. You can be healthy and still be overweight. Few of us will ever have the perfect body we imagine, and that’s okay.
- Sometimes kinky fun can’t happen because of physical limitations. You either modify what you’re doing, suffer through the discomfort or pain, and stop doing it completely.
- Kayla and John Brownstone modify kneeling positions and sexual positions all the time. There’s nothing wrong with modifications.
- After a bit weight gain over the past few years, Kayla’s issues are less about her appearance and more about what she can’t do anymore: certain rope bondage, sexual positions, even getting rough is more difficult.
- Once the motivation changed from losing weight or looking good to being stronger and more fit for kinky fuckery, Kayla made changes: eating healthier, starting new exercise programs.
- Kayla believes she’s not the only one who wants to get into shape for kinky fuckery. Frankly, vanilla or kinky, lots of people want to lose weight for all kinds of reasons.
- She went looking for an online group that was kink-friendly and would help with motivation. Not finding one that was a good fit, she created her own on Google+.
- Fit for Kink: a place for motivation, advice, to share successes, and to ask questions. Kinky and kink-friendly fitness/weight loss professionals are encouraged to join.
- Ultimately, it would be nice to have a resource for people to reach out with specific questions about how to become fitter or more flexible in order to get into kinky positions or try new things.
- This group is not a place to pick up your next hook up. It’s safe place for the kinky or kink-friendly among us to find support and motivation.
Links from the show:
Discussing Kayla’s weight in What Negotiations Can Sound Like
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Kayla Lords here! Today I’m talking about something kind of personal but that I think affects more than just me – being unable to keep up with the physical side of kink. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords or stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes.
My new book, Kinky Love Notes, is now out and available at major online retailers – Amazon, Barnes and Noble, iBooks, and more. It’s kinky and erotic poetry that you can read to get yourself turned on or read or send to your partner to get THEM turned on. The links to purchase are in the show notes, and if you do get a copy, please leave a review – good or bad, every review helps!
Okay, let’s get into today’s show.
I’m going to touch on a sensitive topic today, and I feel the need to put a few disclaimers out there.
All bodies are beautiful, even if they aren’t beautiful to me or you as an individual. Fat is not inherently bad. Being heavy doesn’t automatically mean someone is unhealthy. We should probably all relax a little about the need to look like whatever idealized picture we have in our head of our “perfect” body.
Are we clear?
So…here’s the thing. Some of what we do as kinky people is very physical. Hell, even just a little rough sex can get really physical, really quick. And if you’re not in decent shape – no I don’t mean athletic – you’ll either have to modify what you do, suffer through, or not do it at all.
There’s nothing wrong with modifying your kinky fun so both of you can enjoy it.
Kneeling isn’t easy for me when my knees act up, so we adjust my position or do something different.
John Brownstone and I each have our own issues and the easiest position to have sex in, for both of us, is the spooning position.
See? Modifications let you have kinky fun.
But I’m going to make a confession here and now. I’ve gained a lot of weight over the past two years – it’s something I’ve discussed in previous episodes. When I move past the desire to look different – which is ever-present – with the help of my dear Daddy Dom who helps me see myself the way he does – I’m left with another problem.
I can’t do kinky fuckery that I want to do because I’m out of shape and heavier than I’ve been in a while. Or for as long. What do I mean?
Well, rope bondage is problematic. There are some positions I can’t even get into, let alone hold for very long – anything with my arms behind my back is painful. Standing on my feet for too long makes my feet, legs, and back ache.
Sex has a few issues, too. I love, love, love to ride John Brownstone. It’s exciting. It’s great for orgasms. It’s fun. But these days, even after he lost 30 pounds, I can’t do it. My thighs protest. I’m winded (yes, y’all, WINDED) after a few minute. My entire core – which is what’s supposed to hold me up – hurts so bad I want to throw up. None of that is sexy, y’all. None of it.
Hell, the last time we got even a little rough – spankings, hair pulling, being tossed around the bed…well, as much as he can toss me now that I weigh more than he does – thank goodness he’s strong – I felt like I’d been through a grueling workout. The next day, I had muscle soreness – not just the kind that comes directly from the kinky play, but because I was using parts of my body that rarely got worked hard.
That’s a problem. When my weight or lack of strength and conditioning interfere with kinky fuckery, it’s time to do something about it.
So I’ve started eating healthier – which I needed to do for other reasons. I’ve been working out. I found a free 30 Day Challenge by a cool chick named Betty Rocker – 15 minutes a day, and she kicks your ass, but the workout is never the same thing twice, and it comes straight to your email.
I’m definitely gaining strength, although I’ve spent the past two weeks sore and tight from the strange new workouts – even with modifications. The scale is stubborn, but I think I’m losing inches. It’s still early on, ya know?
Here’s the deal. I know I’m not the only one out there who wants to lose weight or get fit. And I know we all have our own reasons for it. While I want us all to love ourselves as we are, I know plenty of people are motivated by what they see in the mirror or their belief that by getting the “perfect” body they’ll finally be happy (pro tip: you won’t. That’s not how happiness works, y’all.)
But we all have our own motivations. Right now, mine are firmly in the realm of “I want to do the kinky fuckery I like” – which makes it hard to start talking to random people about fitness and health.
I imagine it would go a little something like this:
“So hey, what’s you goal? Why are you letting Betty Rocker kick your ass for 15 minutes a day? What are you, a masochist?”
“Uh, actually yes, I am. I want to get kinky with my Daddy who beats my ass and throws me around.”
And that’s when this person backs away, blocks me, or calls the cops.
All kidding aside, we all know how to function in the vanilla world and share as much or as little of our kink as we choose. But I always feel more myself when I can be with the kinky among us, or the kink-friendly among us. So I went looking for an online group to join.
Fetlife had a few but with several thousand people, it was easy to get lost. And when the moderator actually had to create a rule called “Don’t be an asshole” I knew it wasn’t the place for me.
Instead, I’ve created a group. It’s on Google (and before anyone tells me no one uses Google, if you have a gmail email address, guess what, you have access to everything Google does). I called it Fit for Kink because I figured whatever else our goals might be, we’d all probably like to be in better shape for more kinky fuckery.
I’m envisioning a space where people come to motivate each other, share stories of what they’re doing, what works for them, what doesn’t, and ask questions. Ultimately, I’d love to find kink-friendly fitness and health professionals to join in.
Think about it. Wouldn’t it be easier to ask someone who’s not freaked out about kink what exercises you could to go strengthen certain parts of your body or to become more flexible and be able to tell them why?
Maybe I’m just dreaming. Maybe those people don’t exist. Hell, maybe no one else wants a group like this but me and the few people who’ve already joined. If you’re listening, I’m waving to you! But one of the common denominators between kink and vanilla is that someone always wants to lose weight, get stronger, or fit into whatever item of clothing that’s tucked away at the back of your closet (mine, in case you wondered, is a floor length, deep blue dress with cream trim, and VERY low cut. It’s a beachy, lightweight dress that I haven’t worn in three years, perfect for date night).
I thought that maybe if we all come together for support and motivation, and to share ideas or ask questions, we could all have more of the kind of kinky fuckery we can’t do now because we’re not flexible or strong or in good shape…yet.
So, if you’re interested, it’s a Google Group called Fit for Kink. Just search for it in Communities on Google plus or you can use the link I’ve put in the show notes. You do have to be approved to enter the group and no, it’s not a pick up place for your next Dom or sub. Pictures are allowed but only in the sense that it’s about fitness. Basically, no dick, pussy, or boob pics unless you’re telling us that part of your body is now smaller or somehow in better shape than before. Do you really want to put your dic out there and admit that it’s smaller than before? Exactly.
Although pussy and vulva size is totally an issue, but that’s a discussion for another day.
We all have to find the thing that motivates us to want get in shape or lose weight or eat healthier. Some of us don’t want to or aren’t motivated. That’s cool. But some of us are – or want to be. For me, the moment I changed my mindset from a lose x-amount of pounds to one that’s about getting stronger and fitter for kink, it was almost easy to get started.
If you want to be in better shape for your kinky fuckery, come join us on Google.
Okay, that’s it for me. Keep it kinky, y’all, and we’ll see you next week.