Q&A: Should I Change Our Dynamic Even Though I’m Happy With What We Have?

by Kayla Lords · October 20, 2025

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This kinkster loves what they have with their boyfriend, but they’ve also discovered new desires that feel opposed to who they think they are.

Here’s the question:

I’m a poly woman with two long-term partners at the moment. My boyfriend of 6 years and I have a more or less vanilla relationship with a dash of primal play and lately I’ve been thinking about upgrading into a more kinky dynamic.

I mostly identify as dominant, and I have topped my boyfriend a couple times with rope and impact in the early years. To me that didn’t match with the type of connection we have, so we decided not to pursue kink together. Although submission feels completely unlike me, I feel more and more desire for a dynamic with him as a caregiver who makes the decisions for me.

Our sex life is amazing and there are quite a few behaviours that would be sexy to me if they were part of a dynamic. For example, sometimes when I’m at his place I ask him to pick my panties; that could be a daily thing even when we’re apart. I also like to crawl into his lap and snuggling like that turns us both on. On the other hand, he is very primal and I love it when he grabs and holds me or bites me during sex. I can’t wrap my head around how these things go together.

What do I do? It feels like such a bold idea to spring on him. Is it even necessary to create a dynamic considering I’m very happy with our current sex life? Should I just leave it as is? Wrapping my head around possibly “submitting” is a whole other issue, but perhaps it just takes time to change my own belief that it doesn’t suit me at all.