Q&A: Am I Asking for Too Much From My Dominant?

by Kayla Lords · Published June 2, 2025 · Updated May 30, 2025

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 18:33 — 21.3MB)

Subscribe: Spotify | TuneIn | RSS | More

This couple has been going through it for the past few years and have spent the past year in couples counseling, but they’re not where they were before. The submissive partner worries they may be asking for too much.

Here’s the question:

My husband/Dom and I have been married for 10 years, together for 12, and we have a 20 year age gap where I am younger. When we were early into dating, I made it clear (at least from what I thought but I must admit I’ve gotten much better at communication) that I knew submission was an identity pillar for me, and that was something that couldn’t be changed and was a critical piece of what makes me Me.

I love him, and to his credit, life has been crazy. We moved across the country, have both had our issues with our mental health, can’t forget the pandemic, and his relapse that was the most difficult. Rock bottom happened and we’ve been in couples sessions for almost a year now, and have rebuilt a lot of trust.

The whole time, D/s never happened. Sure, there was some kinky fuckery rarely. No power exchange, no munches, no dungeons, no rules, no expectations, no negotiating, no Y/N/M lists, no interest in books. I can say we’ve tried an app, and it continuously falls through.

I can’t help but think that he isn’t as interested in this. I’ve brought it up in and out of sessions he swears he’s interested. Actions speak louder than words, and there’s been no action or initiation on his part.

Life’s been difficult, and I expect the ups and downs, but it’s not an ebb if it never flows. I love him and we do so well in every other aspect. We’ve had poly discussions and he used to be open to it for casual sex but he has now determined that he isn’t comfortable with me having another Dominant in my life.

I’m also a super anxious person. I’m so in my head on this and it’s driving me crazy. I just want to explore, find my physical limits, play with new toys (or maybe even just the ones I’ve already paid for), anything. Is this sub frenzy? Am I being too needy? Am I asking for too much?