Q&A: How Do I Feel More Confident in Our Dynamic After Trauma?

by Kayla Lords · Published February 10, 2025 · Updated February 9, 2025

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 21:03 — 22.4MB)

Subscribe: Spotify | TuneIn | RSS | More

Content warning: mentions (but no descriptions) of sexual abuse and trauma in a past D/s relationship

A submissive left an abusive power exchange relationship and has found a Dominant partner that makes them happy, but they feel ashamed of their lack of desire for sex and they’re not confident in themselves or their new dynamic.

Here’s the question:

I’ve been with my Daddy Dom for a little over a month now. As of September 2024, I’ve come out of a toxic and abusive D/s dynamic that’s left me struggling with my sense of self worth, especially when it comes to my sexuality and worth within the dynamic.

My partner now is absolutely wonderful – kind, loving, compassionate, understanding, empathetic and funny. I love everything about him, especially when he goes off on tangents about folk music. My ex dom made it all about sex and made it hard for me to voice relational concerns because they’d be dismissed or he’d ghost for three weeks or more.

I can’t do much sexually due to the trauma from sexual abuse from my ex dom, complicated by reproductive problems that cause a lot of pain and giving oral being completely off limits. I’m also in chemical menopause and on HRT, but HRT has done nothing for my desire for sexual play at all. I’m also very new to sexual activity in general (my ex dom was my only sexual partner and I don’t do sexual play casually).

My issues come down to not feeling like a good enough submissive or partner because I’m not able to have fun with sex with my partner in any way. We are an incredible match personality wise and we have a lot of fun together and love to cuddle together (especially when falling asleep).

I hear my ex dom’s words about the only thing important to him in our dynamic was sex and his mind turning back to sex during every argument and how it diminished through the abuse. How I’m not open minded enough. I’m also taking legal action against my ex dom for the abuse.

I’ve gone to lots of munches and play events, and have a wonderful dynamic with my partner, and I have none of the same issues that I had in the dynamic with my ex dom. I couldn’t be happier to be in the relationship and the community I’m in now.

How do I stop feeling ashamed of my lack of desire for sex and enjoy what we have? How do I feel more confident in the dynamic?