Q&A: Are Most Kinky People Also Non-Monogamous?

by Kayla Lords · Published April 15, 2024 · Updated April 11, 2024

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A kinkster feels like they’re the only monogamous person in their local kink community, and it’s really bothering them.

Here’s the question:

I recently got involved with a local kink community, although I’ve been interested in the lifestyle for a long time. Almost everyone in the local community is poly. I try not to judge, but it makes me feel like a freak among the freaks as a monogamous person. I’m meeting hardly anyone who’s single in the community, either. I’m happy to make new friends but I am recently single, ready to find a new relationship, and frustrated with vanilla dating sites. Poly just isn’t for me and as much as I try not to judge I have to wonder if to some extent being poly is the “in” thing in the kink community. Is it like this in all of kink, or just in some communities? Is it a recent trend? Do you think it will continue to be this way?

I know I wouldn’t be happy in a poly relationship as I’m just not wired for it and I’ve been through a lot of abuse and have never had anyone including family prioritize me. I don’t want to have to compromise on what I want because I’m tired of being lonely, but sometimes I feel like I might end up needing to because I’m not finding other options. I don’t like it or express it openly but I’m starting to feel resentful, and sometimes wondering if the only friends I’m making in the community aren’t really my friends but just see me as a potential sex partner.

Where are the single monogamous kinksters, and how can I work through these feelings without being disrespectful towards poly people?