Can a Submissive Negotiate Their Rewards?

by Kayla Lords · Published December 4, 2023 · Updated December 3, 2023

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 22:18 — 25.6MB)

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In this week’s Q&A episode, a submissive likes the positive reinforcement of rewards in their dynamic, but they don’t feel like they’re getting enough or the right kind they want and need.

Here’s the question:

I’m in a 24/7 D/s Poly-ish relationship. My Dom is a Primal Gentleman and I am a service sub. My Dom has only rewarded me 2 times in the past 3 years and it’s breeding resentment in me.

One reward was something I needed for work. I farm and I needed raised beds. I waited 6 months for permission. After modifying them a bajillion times to suit his anxieties and desires, I was about to finally make my purchase. He stopped me, bought the materials, and built part of it with me. It’s still not fully assembled and I can still only use 3/4 of it.

The other thing I didn’t even want. Cheap T-shirts and the kind of hats I specifically told him I didn’t want to wear. I felt like he gave me the gift he should have given his young adult daughter. I didn’t say that of course. I don’t want to sound ungrateful.

I buy him gifts, and necessities all the time…like to the point where I had to pull back because he will always say yes to what he wants. I pay bills in the house…all but the mortgage. I work from home. He works out the house. We earn equal income.

When do or even do submissives get to choose their own rewards? Are rewards part of negotiation? What do you think about additional acts of service as a reward? (this sounds like usery to me… Good job, now do more work)

Thank you for all your vulnerability and effort and time. I actually need your podcast to stay sane!

Listen to the episode to hear our thoughts on the question(s) asked!