Kinky Experiences That Aren’t Subspace | 30 Days of D/s

Subspace, for some people, is the pinnacle of a kink scene. It’s the ultimate sign of a mind-blowing (or mind-altering) experience.

And while subspace can be an amazing moment for many people, it’s not a guaranteed event. Having that floaty or disembodied feeling may never happen for some, and it may happen infrequently for others.

Trying to go to subspace isn’t a goal we recommend for anyone. Not getting there can cause unnecessary stress, diminish the value of a kink experience, or make people feel like they’re doing it (kink or the scene) “wrong.”

Instead of focusing on a mind-body experience you can’t control or that may never happen, let’s look at other experiences you may have in a good/satisfying kink scene instead. (Like subspace, none of these are guaranteed, either.)

Pleasure and Satisfaction

In kink, we tend to focus on the physical pleasure, but plenty of BDSM is mental and emotional, too, so let’s keep this to general “pleasure.” Even when you play with pain or overwhelming sensations, there’s some level of pleasure to be gained.

Maybe the activity feels good on your skin or in your muscles. Maybe it feels good to spend time with your partner in this way.

You can’t always guarantee the type of pleasure, and some scenes can go wrong, so even pleasure isn’t guaranteed. But expecting pleasure is much more realistic than expecting subspace.

And when you have a scene that takes you to new places, allows you to feel new things, and may be about stretching and growing more than feeling pure “pleasure,” satisfaction may be a better descriptor.

In a perfect world, the outcome of a scene or any kink experience should end in a net positive, whether that’s feeling “good” or a feeling of “rightness” with what happened.

Intimacy and Connection

Even when you play with a casual partner or someone new to you, intimacy is part of the scene. You’re letting someone get close to you – physically and mentally – in order to make the moment happen. You have to let down your guard, open yourself up, and (to the best of your ability) be fully in the moment.

Again, you can’t guarantee the level of intimacy you’ll feel, but it’s definitely there.

Assuming everything goes well, you may feel closer to your partner afterwards. This is great for long-term, ongoing power exchange, as that closeness can help you navigate tougher times. But even in more casual scenes, that closeness may make you want to play again in the future.

Shared intimacy helps build trust and respect. It makes it easier to plan future scenes. It helps relationships grow and allows you to form tighter bonds with a partner.

Catharsis and Release

Like subspace, catharsis from a kinky encounter can’t be guaranteed, but it is something to try for if you want or need it.

I used to use a code phrase with John Brownstone when I need a spanking that would (hopefully) make me cry: “My skin feels too tight.”

This was my signal that my anxiety was getting high, and I hoped some firm (painful) impact play would help me have the release I craved.

Some people want to scene until the point of tears or until they scream or until they feel emptied out. Said another way, they want to release something inside of them through their fuckery.

Like other experiences, you can also have an unplanned catharsis. You agree to a kink scene thinking it’ll be like any other, but end with a blood-curdling scream or sobbing as if your heart has broken.

The catharsis can be cleansing for some – which is why kinksters sometimes seek it out.

Exploration and New Experiences

Need another reason to scene that has nothing to with subspace? Exploration is a great reason.

You might explore new roles, new forms of play, new sensations, or simply new ways to connect to your partner. Maybe you read or heard about a new spanking technique that you want to try. Maybe you’ve spent time talking about topping instead of bottoming, and this is the scene you’re ready to try it out in.

Exploring isn’t just about the top level stuff of roles and kinks. It can also involve touching a partner in a new way or using new words or a different tone.

Exploration in kink is just experimentation – with a bit of research and plenty of consent before you begin, of course. And it’s as good a reason as any to get your kink on.

Bottom Line…

Get kinky with a partner because you want to. Judge the scene on what you did and how it made you feel. But try not to make getting to subspace a goal every time. When you focus only on one outcome (like subspace), you may miss all the other experiences you have along the way. There’s so much good that can be found in kink that has nothing to do with a chemical reaction in your brain that you have no control over.

Want to figure out what Dominance, submission, and power exchange mean to you? You can do 30 Days of D/s, too. Get the 30 Days of D/s workbook here!