What Sexual Availability Means in Our Power Exchange | 30 Days of D/s
Sexual availability — the idea that a submissive partner can be fucked at “any” time by their Dominant — isn’t something that everyone wants. Even if sex is part of their D/s. As with all kinky play, sexual availability isn’t required and shouldn’t be expected just because it’s what other kinksters do.
Thanks to porn, erotica, and the sharing of BDSM fantasies online, sexual availability is sometimes treated as an “automatic” part of power exchange. It presumes that a Dominant can literally take whatever they want whenever they want, reality (and consent) be damned. Uhhhh, no.
Depending on your view, sexual availability (without the need for consent check-ins before fucking) can be classified as consensual non-consent (CNC), sexual submission, service submission, and/or objectification. For us, it’s all of the above.
John Brownstone decides he wants to fuck me, and he does. Mostly.
Consider the idea of 100 percent sexual availability as part of the BDSM fantasy. It sounds good on paper but it will not survive contact with reality. It certainly hasn’t for us.
There are no universal truths to sexual availability in power exchange (beyond the need for consent and communication, of course). You don’t have to always be available (I’m not). You’re not required to enter into the agreement simply because your partner wants it. Consent can be withdrawn at any time — yes, even after you’ve agreed to be available. You can also decide that some sex acts aren’t allowed. If you choose to explore sexual availability, it has to fit both partners wants and needs.
As with all kinky fuckery, what it looks like is highly personal. This is just how we engage with it.
How We Define Sexual Availability
Sex is a lot more than a penis in a vagina (yes, even if your main form of sex involves both). For us, sex includes oral sex, fingering, playing with sex toys, and masturbation. Those activities can and do fall under my sexual submission, but we (often) engage in them separately from my sexual availability.
For us, sexual availability focuses on penetrative sex — which for us is penis-in-vagina. It’s one way we feel physically connected, and it’s the one sexual activity that we do together most often. Penetrative sex feels (for us) like a claiming.
It’s also the “easiest” to do at random times. Add some lube. Slot A meets tab B. Pump, stroke, thrust, repeat.
We can do it with our eyes closed. We can do it with most of our clothes on. And we don’t “need” foreplay or a warm-up to engage in it. The warm-up is nice to have, and it’s often part of our kinky fuckery or a scene. But when he takes advantage of my availability, that part will often get skipped.
He’s fulfilling a need and using my body to do it. And I find it incredibly erotic (most of the time).
How Sexual Availability Works for Us
I don’t remember the exact conversation we had about it, but I know we talked about it back in the day. John Brownstone likely said something along the lines of, “I want you to be available for me.” And I (obviously) agreed. It sounded super sexy then. Today, it’s convenient.
With my low libido, asking for sex means it’s most certainly not going to happen because I’m almost never in the mood. Taking my body (consensually) means he will get laid.
And there is something intoxicating to me about being “taken” in that way. No thoughts. No words. Just action.
He has a need, and I can fulfill it for him. In that context, my sexual pleasure takes a back seat. The pleasure I feel is the service I perform. I consider sexual availability both part of my sexual submission and my service submission. The Venn diagram is a circle.
Sometimes that need is primal and animalistic. It appears that he can’t control himself, though I know he’s in total control.
Sometimes it plays into the fantasy of me being his personal sex toy. He could use one of his (many) sex toys or his hand, but my body is what he wants (needs?).
If this was the only way we had sex, it would have lost its appeal a long time ago. This works because it’s one of multiple ways we express our sexual desires — for each other and as individuals.
I might not get an orgasm when he pulls me close in the middle of the night and fucks me without speaking a word. He might not whisper sweet words or tell me he loves me. But I know for a fact he will at another time.
My sexual availability to him is about his needs. But he always sees to my needs later. Hell, sometimes, when he pulls me close and starts to fuck me, I have enough available brain power to grab a vibrator and get myself off too. He doesn’t mind as long as he gets what he wants.
I’m Not Always Available
Let’s be clear, though. I’m not always available to be his personal sex toy. There are times when bending me over and fucking me wordlessly just isn’t an option. He understands and respects this, and he knows I’m happy to be available the rest of the time.
Caring and empathy are important in every aspect of every power exchange relationship, and that includes sexual availability between a Dom and their submissive.
He doesn’t reach for me when I’m sick or when I’m exhausted. He listens when I tell him I don’t feel well or that I’m really not interested in sex. Yes, he has urges he wants to indulge, but he also wants me to be happy, healthy, and whole. Or, as he often says, “Don’t break your toys or you won’t be able to play with them later.”
For a long time, we fell into a routine of middle of the night (or very early morning) sex. Sometimes it was a Saturday or Sunday, and sometimes it was a random Thursday. When I realized the disruption in my sleep on a weekday made for a harder workday, I told him I couldn’t handle being woken up like that.
Now, he pays attention to timing. On the weekends, he grabs me whenever he has the urge. In the middle of the week, we’re more likely to fuck in the middle of the day or right when we go to bed.
24/7 availability isn’t realistic, even if the fantasy is nice. It’s my responsibility to let him know if something doesn’t work, just as its his responsibility to listen and use that information for both our benefit.
I can allow myself to “always” be sexually available to John Brownstone because he earns that right every day. By considering my well-being when making decisions and by not abusing the privilege of my consent. He might take care of his personal needs by using my body from time to time (which, again, I find incredibly erotic). But he also takes care of me before, during, and after.
We keep our expectations realistic. We talk about it. He listens, and I provide feedback. And he never, ever takes my submission for granted.
Want to figure out what Dominance, submission, and power exchange mean to you? You can do 30 Days of D/s, too. Get the 30 Days of D/s workbook here!