4 Ways We Maintain Our D/s When Apart
Being apart when you’re in a power exchange relationship is tough. If you’re usually together, a lot of systems and routines are disrupted. Not only can this cause overwhelm, it can leave some people feeling untethered to their kinky self — or their partner. And if you’re in a long distance D/s relationship, it can be tough to ever feel tethered and connected in the first place.
Our relationship began as a long distance relationship, and even though we’ve been physically together since 2014, there are times we have to be apart. In both instances, we found a few things that help us maintain our connection and feel our Dom and sub selves.
Here’s what we do to maintain our D/s even when we’re apart.
Talk About It First
These days, we rarely spend time apart, but when we do, we know it will disrupt our usual routine. To figure out how to minimize the disruption, we talk about it — and plan — first.
If I’m in a period where I have to ask permission to do something, we talk about how we’ll handle that. Sometimes, I’m tasked with asking early. Other times, I have to take my chances that I’ll get a reply in time or not. And if not, I don’t get to do or have the thing.
For the daily tasks that will get disrupted (like making his coffee), I ask what he needs while I’m away to make sure he can easily take care of it on his own. Sometimes it’s sending a reminder to set up the coffee pot in the evening before bed. Other times, it’s letting him know where I stored the extra bottle of vanilla syrup.
Discussing how the separation will impact our day to day living gives us the opportunity to find solutions early. The solutions allow me to serve him (like sending a daily reminder) or help me feel submissive (like asking permission).
Set a Communication Schedule
Since we’re together all the time, we can talk to each other whenever we want. But when we have to be apart from one another, our time is extremely limited. We default back to our LDR days and ways and set up a schedule.
“Text me in the morning when you wake up, babygirl.”
“I’ll text you when I leave the house and when I get there.”
“I’ll call you at lunch time. Call me before bed.”
We use the tools that we have available, and we figure out a routine. We know it won’t work perfectly but it’s a structure we can (mostly) rely on.
Create a Meaningful Routine
When we aren’t together, it’s usually because one or both of us have something going on — typically during the day. We look at the time we can control, usually morning and evening, and set up a routine. Again, we fall back on our long distance days to inform this.
The first one up sends a good morning text. The second one up replies immediately. There will likely be a phone call. I tend to send pictures of what I’m wearing and outline what my day should look like.
If we get to chat during the day, great. But if not, there’s always the evening routine.
Once in bed or alone again, we text to let the other know we’re settling in for the night. We may chat on the phone or text back and forth while watching TV or reading. When we’re ready to go to bed (or at least one of us is), we’ll talk on the phone for as long as we can.
These routines are harder if you have a severe time zone difference. During my first trip to London in 2017, his bedtime would be in the middle of the night for me, and I might have just gone to sleep. Sometimes sacrifices are made — either in the fun with friends so we can talk or in the time of day we were able to speak. But when you know it’s a temporary separation, it’s easier to handle.
Admit When It Gets Tough
A couple of days isn’t always that difficult. A couple of weeks, months, or longer can be very tough. Admit it to each other. Talking about it doesn’t “fix” the problem but it does give you the opportunity to get it off your chest. And if you think you’re the only one suffering, you might get the much needed reminder that your partner misses you, too.
The more we bottle up, the more it effects us (and our relationship) in negative ways. We feel like we can’t say anything. Shame creeps in, as does resentment. Next thing you know, we’re thinking things like, “Well they should just know how much I miss them and tell me they miss me, too.” Bullshit. None of us should be held accountable for “knowing” anything that’s not communicated clearly.
You’re not as much of a broken record as you believe, and saying you miss your partner gives you a chance to connect in a more intimate and vulnerable way. As long as both partners take the time to really listen and don’t dismiss what the other says, this can be a new point of connection in your relationship, too.
Temporarily or as part of a long distance power exchange, being separated from a partner can be hard to handle. Even when you know it’s only for a short while. Nothing we offer here makes it effortless. In fact, maintaining your D/s when apart requires extra effort. But figuring out what will work for you both and talking about the details may help make it more bearable.
In this installment of 30 Days of D/s, the prompt discusses maintaining your D/s even when apart. Trying to figure yourself out as a kinkster and navigating a power exchange relationship? 30 Days of D/s offers daily prompts to help you think about different aspects of power exchange. Use it as a journal prompt, to start conversations with your partner, or as a topic for a local community gathering!