What You Need to Know About Limits in BDSM | 30 Days of D/s
Limits in kink are the things you won’t do — for a variety of reasons. They’re an important part of the negotiation process for your power exchange and your kinky fuckery. While it’s fun to focus on all the things you’re going to do together, it’s just as important to discuss what you won’t do. Understanding and respecting each other’s limits helps your D/s relationship and kinky life move in the most positive direction possible.
Here are a few things to remember about limits in BDSM.
Everyone Has Limits
Beware the person who declares, “I have no limits!” What they’re really saying is, “I don’t know a lot about kink yet.” Everyone has limits, regardless of your kinky role or identity. If you don’t know what yours are yet, keep learning about all the different ways to play and get kinky. BDSM checklists are a great tool to help with this. In one place, you get a big list of kinks. The things you don’t recognize are the ones to learn more about. (No checklist is a complete list because there’s always another kink to discover but a good one will list dozens of activities.)
For some people getting even a basic description is enough to know whether it’s a limit or not. You’ll find a ton of definitions and information online. Two resources we recommend to get a quick and dirty definition of a kink: Kinkly’s sex terms and Kinktionary by Ignixia. Kinkly’s site is great for looking up info on the go and Kinktionary is a printed resource that can grow with you, giving you space to add new kinks as you learn about them.
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Soft Limits vs Hard Limits
Not all limits are created equal. In general, we refer to limits in two ways: soft and hard.
Soft limits are the kink activities you’re not really sure about but might be willing to try. You’re not enthusiastic about it, and you might move it into the hard limit category later, but it’s not a firm no yet.
Hard limits are the kink activities you definitely won’t do. Maybe it squicks you out. Maybe it triggers you. Or maybe you just don’t like it. You never have to justify your hard limits to anyone. It’s possible to consider something a hard limit until you learn more about it and then move it into the soft limit or enthusiastic yes categories.
Respect Your Partner’s Limits
Your Dom doesn’t want to choke you? They don’t have to. Your submissive doesn’t like being spanked? Don’t spank them. Trust plays an important role in power exchange, and it’s earned in a variety of ways including respecting your partner’s limits and boundaries.
Both sides of the slash have the right to say, “I won’t do that” or “That’s not my thing” and then not feel pressured to do it. Submissives aren’t topping from the bottom when they tell you something is a hard or soft limit. Dominants aren’t “weak” for setting boundaries for themselves. You might not know something is a limit of yours until you try that kink out. That’s okay, too. Negotiation isn’t a one-and-done thing. It’s ongoing.
Just because your partner said they’d be willing to do/try a kink at one point doesn’t mean they’re stuck doing it forever.
Respect Your Own Limits
Most of us think we only need to worry about our partner’s boundaries (and we do!) but our own boundaries are equally as important. It’s not unheard of for a kinkster to allow something they don’t really want simply to please their partner. If you go into that moment with a full understanding that you can withdraw consent at anytime, and it’s fully your choice (with no pressure), then fine. But if you do something outside of your boundaries because you’re afraid to lose your partner or you feel pressured to perform, that’s a problem.
Submissives have the right to maintain boundaries for themselves. You haven’t failed nor are you making your partner “miserable.” If not getting to do that one kink thing makes them miserable, this may not be the relationship for them. As painful as that may feel, that’s okay. Let them go so you’re free to meet someone who will focus on what you enjoy together instead of what you won’t do.
Dominants, wanting to give your partner all the pleasure they crave is admirable, but it shouldn’t come at your expense. You haven’t failed at anything by holding firm to your personal limits. Again, beware the partner pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do.
Limits Can Change Over Time
There are some kink activities that may be a hard limit for you for the rest of your life. It’s a hard no for you and that’s okay. But sometimes we categorize kinks as limits based on the little bit of information we have about that kink. We may also make something a limit because of where we are in our kink journey at the time. You might not feel safe trying that activity.
As time goes on and you learn more about BDSM — and discover all the different ways the same kink can be experienced — you can change your mind if you want to. Sometimes, it’s not the activity but the partner. In other instances, it’s not the partner that changes but your sense of trust in the person you’re with — and your trust in yourself about what you can handle.
It might not be any of that but you’re curious about a kink you once rejected. Allow yourself to explore it more. You can still reject it later but you might find that it’s a new bit of fuckery to add to your life.
It’s Not Just Kinky Fuckery
We tend to think of limits in terms of kinky fuckery. No to golden showers. Yes to pegging. No to orgasm denial, but yes to forced orgasms. Those kinds of limits are definitely important, but they’re not the only ones.
Saying no to punishment in your power exchange is a legitimate limit. Not wanting to be called by title like Mommy or Sir is a legitimate limit. The discussion of limits shouldn’t just be part of the kinks and sexy fun you want to have. You also have the right to declare (and figure out) your boundaries within your relationship. And like your kinky limits, you get to change your mind over time as you learn more and grow as a kinky person.
Ultimately knowing your limits and respecting those of your partner’s is important in your power exchange relationship. Doing so builds trust and allows the relationship to move forward in a healthy way. When you feel bogged down by all the things you and your partner won’t do, remember to also focus on what you both enjoy together!
Want to figure out what Dominance, submission, and power exchange mean to you? You can do 30 Days of D/s, too. Get the 30 Days of D/s workbook here!
