How We Feel About BDSM Titles and Labels | 30 Days of D/s

We’ve had a few things to say about BDSM titles and labels over the years — because for many, finding the “right” word is important. But that sense of importance can make the process a stressful one. Many of us want to find the “perfect” title or label.

Why is that? Because the words we use to describe ourselves as kinksters help frame our identity, find our community, and may be the first step on the path to figuring out who we are as kinksters.

So of course it’s fraught.

On the other end of the spectrum, some people actively reject labels and titles for a variety of reasons. The most common one we see revolves around the constraining nature of titles and labels. For some people, they feel like all they can ever be as kinksters is what that label represents, and they want more than that.

Our official opinion on what you should do is this: Do what works for you.

What We Think About Titles and Labels

The real question this post seeks to answer is…how do we use titles and labels for ourselves and how do we feel about them?

It’s fairly simple for us. Yes, we embrace titles and labels for ourselves.

I’m Babygirl. He’s Daddy. I’m a submissive. He’s a Dominant. I’m a masochist. He’s a sadist. And, for the most part, our kinky needs and pleasures fit neatly within those labels. The stuff that doesn’t? Well, we fall back on the tried and true philosophy of, “I like it, and I don’t have to have a reason why or a name for it.”

Which means, if you’re paying attention, that you can both use labels and reject them — at the same time.

We also don’t worry too much about what a label or title means for others, beyond how they use it to tell us who they are. What I mean is that my definition of “babygirl” might not match someone else’s definition, but we know both are valid. I can easily accept that what being a babygirl means to me will be different than what it means to someone else. Both are the “correct” definition.

Frankly, plenty of kinksters (none of y’all because you get it) still think that John Brownstone’s seemingly laid back attitude and lack of aggression means he’s not a “real” Dominant. We don’t get upset about these misperceptions. We tend to roll our eyes and move on. Because we know who he is and don’t need anyone else to believe it for it to be true.

The Only Opinion That Matters is Yours

Which, for me, might be the most important thing to remember about whatever you call yourself as a kinkster. If it’s true to you, and it feels right for you, then it is. Outside validation is not required.

Yes, random people on the internet — and even in your local kinky community — may try to invalidate your particular title or label as a kinkster. You might see a random post that says, “This kind of kink isn’t real” or “No one really does [fill in the blank of thing you do]” or “If you call yourself [INSERT LABEL], you’re probably [INSERT HATEFUL STEREOTYPE].”

Look, y’all, assholes exist. They’re real. And they’re fucking everywhere, including our kinky communities.

And when you’re still new and shiny in your kink, it can give you some feels to see or hear something like this. It can feel like “everyone” thinks this — especially if that bullshit opinion wracks up likes or retweets or whatever.

When you find yourself in this position, ask yourself a few questions:

• Is this person or anyone negatively impacted by the title/label I use for my kink?
• Am I causing any active harm to myself or my partner through BDSM and kink?

If the answer to these questions is no, ignore the fuck out of them. What they think doesn’t matter.

My other test is to ask, “Do you pay my bills?” No? Then I don’t have to care what you think. (I think that’s a good one to keep in your pocket for these kinds of moments, too.)

Our philosophy of BDSM, in general, is that all you need is consent and communication. If you’ve got those two with a willing partner, you’re golden. We could add a third about safety (but safety comes with consent and communication, so consider it a silent third.) So it doesn’t actually matter what anyone else thinks of your kinks, your relationship, or the words you use to describe them. (Obvious caveat: Kinksters can and do lose jobs and custody of their kids over BDSM, even now. You may have to care about someone knowing you’re kinky, but that’s not quite the same as caring what others think of  how you describe your kink.)

Bottomline:

Use the words that fit you best or reject all labels completely. The thing I like about labels is that they give us a common language, and they can be a starting point to learning more. But once you have a general idea about what a word means to some indeterminate “majority” of kinksters, make the label fit you — not the other way around.

BDSM helps us redefine relationships, sex, pleasure, satisfaction, and a lot of other things. Of course we can redefine labels and titles for ourselves, too.

Want to think more about this topic? Check out other things we’ve said about BDSM titles and labels:

BDSM Basics: BDSM Titles and Labels

Kinky Titles are Different for All of Us

How Do I Know if I’m a Submissive or a Bottom?

Using Labels to Figure Out Your Kinks (podcast episode)

Want to figure out what Dominance, submission, and power exchange mean to you? You can do 30 Days of D/s, too. Get the 30 Days of D/s workbook here!