On Being Kinky and Asexual
Please help us welcome Sarah Heart aka ChinaDoll320 as our guest contributor this month! She’s discussing her experience with asexuality and kink in her own D/s relationship. If you’re new to the concept of asexuality, click on the links located throughout the post as they lead to different resources. If you’re on the LGBTQUIA+ spectrum and would like to share your experiences as a guest writer, we’re definitely interested!
College is a time of exploration. And while many people use their newfound freedom away from their parents to experiment, explore, and in some cases, merely express their sexuality, I’ve known mine from an early age. I just didn’t know what it was called until this year.
I’m demisexual. To those who have never heard of the term, or have, but don’t know what it means here’s the simplest explanation: I’m not attracted to people I don’t have a pre-existing emotional bond with. It’s almost a given in every romance story, so I grew up knowing that was me, but I didn’t know until middle school when people started hooking up with each other (yes, I think that’s young, too), that it wasn’t like that for everyone. You may notice, that the title of this blog post discusses asexuality not “demisexual.” And here it gets a little murky.
What is LGBTQIA+
Please forgive this short upcoming lecture:
LGBTQIA stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersex, and Asexual. Now, I’m not going to say I’m an expert on any of these terms. I’ve heard lesbians label themselves as “gay” and both gays and lesbians call themselves “queer” in an attempt to reclaim the word. But as much as LGBT should stand for acceptance for all, there have always been issues of erasure.
The B and T are in the common acronym used, but straights, gays, and lesbians often treat Bi’s as not enough of anything. They don’t fit into any category neatly (at least in some people’s minds). In the conversation of sexes (even before gender became such a hot topic in recent years), almost everyone I’ve ever met only talked about two: male and female, despite intersex definitely existing.
And that leads me to Asexual (Ace) (<=== click that link as it will give you a good primer on asexuality if you’re not sure what it is). When I was in high school, I was wrongly told it stood for “Ally.”
We’re Asexual and Kinky
My Dom is both asexual and aromantic. But asexuality is on a spectrum, so he’s not sex-repulsed, which is an assumption even I had about the asexual community. And when I told him that demisexual falls under the Ace flag, he didn’t think that was correct. I don’t blame him. It’s not a common term because it’s barely talked about, if at all. It’s even more obscure than Ace, which is already facing erasure from the main sexuality conversation.
Now, here’s the real reason you’ve stuck with me for so long: you want to know how two asexual people can possibly in a sexual kinky relationship (because we all know there are non-sexual kinky relationships, too). The answer? Quite easily. To an extent, due to other personal reasons that have nothing to do with our sexual identities.
But if I’m not feeling up for sex for whatever reason, I don’t have to worry about not pleasing him. He’d just as much rather cuddle or do something else. That doesn’t mean I don’t still worry about it .(I have anxiety and grew up in a heteronormative, patriarchal society that subliminally and often overtly tells girls and women they have to make the men in their lives happy—don’t get me started on that).
On the flip side, when I am feeling up for it, sometimes he tells me to slow down or “not right now” because he gets “sexed-out” as we like to say. And it can change for either of us quickly from one moment to another. So, safewords are pretty important to us.
So, how do we do it?
Communication. We’re both Ace, but different types. And we kind of fluctuate rather than being one-dimensional no-sex-at-all people one might imagine. On the contrary. But like in any kinky relationship, we need to check in with each other about what we’re up for individually and together. By kinky and BDSM standards, it sounds quite normal in those terms. And I hope my experience has been helpful in either teaching you something new, or letting you understand a little more about being Ace, in general.
About Sarah Helena Heart
Sarah Helena Heart aka ChinaDoll320 is just a college girl exploring her submissive side with her Daddy while blogging about it and writing fun erotica stories, too. Visit her website or follow her on Twitter!
