How D/s Helps My Depression and Mental State
We are so glad to welcome S.G. Bound, erotic author and budding blogger, as our contributor this month. She’s sharing her personal story of how finding D/s has helped her deal with her depression and improve her mental state.
In 2005 I suffered a mental breakdown. MrH took 6 weeks off work to care for me and our two children. When he returned to work, the medications had started to take effect. It took five years and lots of counseling for me to feel recovered enough to return to work; but I am not the same.
I used to be described as outgoing, opinionated, loud, a go-getter, bossy, strong willed, and yes, quite dominant. After? Well I could put on an act, but I couldn’t maintain it for more than a few hours. The unknown filled me with dread and I compensated by trying to control everything around me.
Throughout all this MrH and I remained strong, our relationship was very typically vanilla and very loving. So, when in July last year I asked if he would be my Dominant, if we could explore bondage and discipline, he was a little surprised. Especially as I am in constant pain from a back complaint.
The Beginning Wasn’t Easy
Ignoring for a moment the absolutely awesome sex that has become part of our D/s relationship, the benefits to my mental state have been unbelievable.
In the beginning I had massive mood swings. I was horny and needy. I was clingy and dependent. Handing control to him meant I lost my balance. When he wasn’t there I felt lost, uncertain, like a small dependent child. I was adrift. Suddenly, I didn’t know how to ‘be’ without his input. I needed constant reassurance, and I became extremely emotional and cried a lot.
I would be so relieved when he arrived home I would cry some more. And I worried that he would decide that D/s was no good for me if I was affected in this way, so I tried to conceal it. It never worked. He would see through it and, by trying to hide my feelings I felt dishonest
We learned that being given a list of simple tasks to complete when he was at work reduced the effect. Knowing what I was expected to do gave me purpose. My submissive heart looked forward to receiving my instructions. I could keep busy without having to decide what to do, I just had to do as I was told. I began an online blog, and this too helped pass the time.
Finding What Works
As things progressed MrH increased his expectations of me. I am expected to keep my body prepared in the way he likes it, and so I shave daily. As I complete this daily personal maintenance I feel my brain calm, as I feel my submissive mind set settle over me. Each evening after my shower, I run his bath. As I agitate the water to create bubbles I feel content to be able to do something nice for him.
I prepare supper for us at the appropriate time and serve it to him in bed. He always thanks me for this and it makes me smile. When he arrives home from work I am sometimes instructed to help him out of his work clothes and into his lounge wear. I like serving him in this way.
Every new command that MrH issued made me calmer. Every rule he put in place increased my inner peace. But it was when I received my first punishment that I realized how much this new lifestyle had changed me.
Rules and Punishment
I had developed a bad habit of waking up at about 2am and eating a snack before going back to sleep. I needed to break this habit, so I asked MrH to help me. He issued my first rule that would have a punishment attached should I fail. I was not allowed downstairs for food at night without waking him up and asking permission.
For the first few weeks this worked well. I desperately didn’t want to disturb his sleep when he had work the next day. My need to be obedient overruled my need to eat. Then I broke the rule. I had been awake for several hours. Unable to sleep. Hungry. I talked myself into NOT waking him up, deciding that it was more important for him to sleep, and headed downstairs for a snack. He won’t punish me I reasoned; he will understand.
He understood alright; he understood that I didn’t think he would follow through on the punishment. And he told me I should have woken him up. My punishment was issued. 100 lines. I have not broken this rule since. This was a turning point for me. I realized he was truly in charge, he had taken on the role I asked him to.
Growing and Changing
The new year brought new rules as MrH flexed his Dominant muscles further. One of them has been removed by him since because it caused an increase in my pain, but the other four remain. The rules are about my health and appearance, (eating healthily, wearing matching underwear), controlling my spending habits (no eBay or Amazon purchases without permission), and one for MrH personal delight (I’m not allowed to wear panties on a Friday). Nothing too onerous I’m sure you will agree but they showed me he was invested in his role.
This realization has allowed me to fully relax my guard. Knowing he is in charge allows me to let go of the need to control. Every day that passed my anxiety lessened. The more I felt his dominance the more I relaxed. The more I relaxed, the calmer I felt.
It hasn’t all been plain sailing, but when I am in a calm submissive state I can honestly say I have never felt more ‘me.’
About S.G. Bound
A 40 something happily married submissive in a monogamous relationship with my Dominant husband. We’re new to the life (less than 1 year in) but loving the intimacy and renewed connection that D/s has brought.
Want to read more from S.G. Bound?
Follow her personal blog at Sweet Girl’s Journal