How Discovering Kink Made Me Feel
In some ways, looking back, I think the spark of kink was always in me. Discovering my kinky side wasn’t a straight line from there to here, and it wasn’t always easy. I got excited watching shows when the heroine was tied up by the bad guy. Later on, handcuffs were something I liked playing with once I found a willing partner.
Fast forward many years later with the advent of the Internet, here I was doing a web search and I came across some BDSM pictures. I was drawn to them instantly and found myself aroused and excited. Yet there was a part of my brain screaming at me, “This is wrong! This is not normal! How can you be so turned on by this?” On the other side it was like I had found what had been missing and a puzzle piece had fallen into place.
For some time I had to deal with two opposing forces, one on each shoulder. One would tell me to embrace this side of myself and the other telling me it was wrong and goes against everything that I’d been taught. I dealt with shame and guilt in finding I enjoyed looking at these erotic, kinky images.
I felt alone which made it harder to deal with. At that time there wasn’t the availability of information and content like there is now. In order to find the community you had to be willing to go to adult book stores and hunt through magazines to find munches and play parties. Online bulletin boards were becoming popular but even those at the time were not reliable and carried a certain stigma to them (at least in my mind).
For a long time I tried to bury it all, push kink back into the dark recesses of my mind and forget about it. Yet there it was always peeking out from behind the closed door, niggling me when I least expected it.
What finally tipped the scales was when I found a list of munches online, and I saw one in the area where I lived. I stared at that screen long and hard, and yes there were a number of back and forth emotions even at that point. In the end I made the decision to attend.
When I walked through the door I had that deer in the headlights look not knowing what to expect. What I saw was a number of people all sitting around dressed no differently then anyone else you would meet on the street enjoying some food, talking about the weather, family, sports, and anything else that came to mind.
Someone approached me to greet me and asked a few questions, which I answered: Yes I’m new. My name is John Brownstone. They made small talk with me and instantly put me at ease.
The munch lasted for roughly three hours. By the end of it I knew that I wasn’t alone in what I liked. Even more importantly, I had a better acceptance of who I was.
Both those things went a long way in my journey to discovering the real me. Was that the end of my angst about kink and BDSM? No, not by a long shot. There were still a few battles to be fought along the way but finding acceptance and an understanding of who I am went a long way in shaking off the initial shock and fear.
In episode 80 of the podcast, we talk about the emotional impact of D/s and kink and how part of that is feeling nervous or scared at first.