Dealing with Shame in Kink

by Kayla Lords · Published October 17, 2025 · Updated October 16, 2025

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:33:31 — 97.7MB)

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In this week’s episode, I (Kayla) share a moment in kink where I realized I felt shame – which was a shock. Which brought me back to this conversation – the last time we discussed shame was in 2020.

In this episode:

Our monthly virtual munch is this Friday, October 17.
JB’s vanilla shop is having a sale – no coupon code required!
This week’s trans-affirming resource is Strands for Trands.
We’ve done episodes on shame before – episode 236 is specifically about dealing with feelings of shame; linked in places
- In that episode we focused on body image, sexuality, and kink
Research since 2020’s episode
- Shame as exposure and vulnerability – truly being seen
- Desire as resistance and liberation – being free
- Shame is rooted in societal conditioning – what’s normal and acceptable
Thinking about the sense of shame at a temporary desire brought to mind sexual shame – kink isn’t always sexual, but there are connections; From a 2023 study:
- Sexual shame is a specific type of shame that refers to a feeling of disgust or humiliation towards one’s own identity as a sexual being and is composed of three factors: (1) relationship sexual shame, (2) internalized sexual shame, and (3) sexual inferiority13.
- Shame and kink often go hand in hand for many people, for any and all reasons that anyone feels shame, including sexual shame
Shame vs guilt
- Guilt is I did a bad thing
- Shame is I am a bad person
Certain “solutions” to reducing shame are the same regardless of the type of shame:
- Identify where it comes from
- Talk about your desires in emotionally safe spaces or with emotionally safe people
- Seek community to realize you’re not alone
- Learn to accept yourself for who you are and what you want
- When necessary, therapy