Q&A: How Do We Find the Balance Between Our Power Exchange Needs?

by Kayla Lords · Published December 9, 2024 · Updated December 8, 2024

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A submissive has needs that don’t fit naturally with what their Dominant enjoys and wonders how to find the right balance for both of them.

Here’s the question:

My Dom and I have been together for two and half years and we are regular listeners of your podcast. We moved in together about a year ago and are really struggling to find harmony in our dynamic and with play.

I identify as a slave, and I really enjoy things like high protocol, rituals, and enforced rules. He is a Daddy Dom and likes things to be fun, playful, and generally easy going. Many of our kinks align very well. We both love impact, rope, ddlg, and we both like incorporating things like free use into our dynamic.

The problem is that when we scene, I enjoy things like a before scene ritual and strict requirements/expectations in the scene, and he wants things to be very natural, fun, and easy going. It is very much the same way with our dynamic also. He prefers a more gentle, hands off approach and I need a lot of structure.

We’ve been working at this for the whole time we’ve been together, because I am very much okay with doing things his way as long as I have some of the heavier stuff worked in. He does try very hard to accommodate me and will often have good ideas, but it’s very hard for him to maintain long term.

For him, trying to play with a more intense protocol often makes him not want to play at all because it just doesn’t feel natural to him. I have tried to want less and be okay with what he gives but that always leads to me feeling unfulfilled and when I ask for more he feels like he is not a good enough Dom.

We love each other very much and do not want to separate. He really is my person. Do you have any advice on how we can continue to work at this and find something that fits for both of us? For reference we also live with my two children (age 14 and 7) but they go to stay with their dad three nights out of the week.