Q&A: Is It Okay to Enjoy Our Power Dynamic Without Labeling It?

by Kayla Lords · Published September 23, 2024 · Updated September 22, 2024

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 16:53 — 18.8MB)

Subscribe: Spotify | TuneIn | RSS | More

A kinkster wants to take things further with their partner – who isn’t interested in being a submissive.

Here’s the question:

My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years. We have a great relationship and are excellent partners. The only issue had been that up until recently we were in a sexless marriage. I went down a rabbit hole about sexless marriage which led me to an even deeper rabbit hole about kink and BDSM. I realized that’s what I wanted and thought it might help.

She came back from a trip and I told her I was taking charge in the bedroom and that things were going to change. She happily and willingly agreed and effectively submitted to me.. Things have been really great in that department since then. Unfortunately I foolishly and prematurely blurted out that I wanted a D/s dynamic. She didn’t get mad or weirded out but simply said “I’m not open to that”. I dropped it – I was embarrassed and felt foolish.

I know that “no means no” and that someone who isn’t into kink can’t be changed. That being said, we did a sex menu and are almost completely on the same page (she’s actually a little kinkier than me). She seems perfectly willing to be submissive in the bedroom and sometimes out of the bedroom. I’m afraid that her idea of submission is The Handmaid’s Tale or a Tradwife. She’s a feminist and I think she finds the concept of submission distasteful.

My question is, as long as she consents (and I would never ask her to do something she isn’t comfortable with) should I continue to gradually add BDSM concepts, role playing and kink to our lives and revisit the discussion in a year or so.? I want to ask her to do her own research, but I don’t want to seem pushy about it right now. Is it okay to just enjoy the dynamic without putting a name to it and hope that she will open up to the idea.? Does that just make me a manipulative asshole?