Q&A: How Do I Trust My Dom Again?

by Kayla Lords · Published July 15, 2024 · Updated July 15, 2024

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A submissive has gone through a lot with their Dominant partner with consent violations, a broken D/s agreement, and just being made to feel awful. And they want to know if it’s possible to repair the relationship.

Here’s the question:

My Dom and I are going to try to have a 24/7 agreement again after a tough 24 months. I, the sub/little girl, was new to BDSM 2 years ago and came into contact with my Dom/Daddy via the internet. At the time, he was in a triad with two subs. I knowingly entered conversations to be a play partner in some scenes. Within 3 months, their 2+ year triad had dissolved in what appeared to be a non amicable way.

I then dated the Dom with consensual play, albeit to later learn that he was not honest about his sexual partners and activities at the time. This put my health at risk without me knowing this information as I was unaware and therefore not using the correct protection. After a further 3 months, we decided together to become boyfriend/girlfriend and to draw up a D/s agreement.

Because I was new, I received help with this agreement from a long time person involved in writing boundaries and agreements. My Dom and I spoke about this and shared a document to which we both agreed. The agreements were not extensively limiting according to the person helping me. I really believe in authenticity, but also believe in honesty with the person you are with so as not to hurt them unnecessarily with lying and deception.

Fast forward to 18 months later and, to summarize to avoid a long question, my Dom broke the 3 key areas of the agreements, including meeting a woman alone in a hotel room and playing with her within 2 weeks of our agreement. Subsequently, my Dom broke two other agreements. I did not find out about the initial agreement violation until 18 months after it took place.

After 2 years, he began to take accountability for the actions and provided me a space to experience the grief associated with this. He subsequently dumped me via text with no contact after 2 months of finally giving me that space because he found it exhausting to be with me and then within 3 days, took on a new submissive, slept with her, and took her out for scenes.

Since starting our relationship, I moved more than 50% of my life to his city and took a full time job in the city. I do still travel back and forth to my original home, but I have additional personal and family commitments that prevent me from being 100% in the same city as him. I do, however, spend all available time in his city to live the 24/7 dynamic. I fell for him and he had indicated he loved me too. He seemed to change after disclosing the deceptions, but I was not able to handle it very well despite a lot of counselling and even medication.

Now that I am on the other end of it, I did reach out to him again because we both have changed through this process. He seems to have truly learned why the 4 pillars of BDSM are imperative. He feels remorse for his actions and he has made some major changes. I want to be with him and for things to be back to what it was like essentially before I knew about the agreement and consent violations.

My overall question is how to get back to that again. I know it is trust building and I know that is foundation relationship stuff. However, we are very out of the groove. He has trepidation to mess up as a Dom and I have trepidation that he will break our agreement again and/or dump me when things are tough. I still have feelings about being replaced so quickly. I also have some major body issues as a result of the 2 years (too long to go over!), and that is making our scenes hard. I feel so ugly inside and out and that I will never be enough for him.

I find myself unable to fully give my heart and my mind to him. I am struggling with believing in him again. He used to be so big to me and like he could do no wrong. I understand that part of that is my inexperience. But even in my vanilla relationships, I believe in sharing your most inner parts with your partner.

Do you think that some things are just too hard to come back from in BDSM? I would welcome any advice you can give, including steps/actions I can take as a sub to help make this better.