How Do I Introduce My Kink Partner and Honor the Requirements of My Divorce?

by Kayla Lords · Published April 1, 2024 · Updated April 1, 2024

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A kinkster’s ex-spouse figured out they were kinky during the divorce, and it impacted the divorce decree. Now they want to introduce their sub but are worried about being found out later.

Here’s the question:

I was in a vanilla marriage for 18 years and have now been divorced a little over a year and separated a year before that. We have two children, one grown and one still a toddler. During the healing process from the divorce, I discovered BDSM and D/s dynamics. I learned a lot about myself and relationships in general including what went wrong in my marriage. I eventually took a sub, who I may have a future with.

My ex discovered I was into kink by accident coming across some papers including my D/s contract, emergency information, and BDSM Checklist. She felt betrayed and thought I was not my true self with her. She also used this in the divorce in the guise of looking out for our toddler. She wanted it documented in our divorce decree that I was in the lifestyle and would take measures to protect our children from exposure to inappropriate and specific BDSM related material.

We eventually settled on generic language that holds us both accountable to exposure of inappropriate things not specifically calling out BDSM. I’m at the point that I am introducing my sub into my life which includes my ex and children. I want to introduce her as a vanilla girlfriend to avoid bringing up issues related to my child, but I’m worried that the lie would eventually come out and be more damaging down the road. I don’t know how to approach this. What should I do?