Q&A: How Do I Navigate a Complex Poly and Kink Relationship with Two Partners?

by Kayla Lords · Published March 4, 2024 · Updated March 4, 2024

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The person who submitted this question said it was complex, and they weren’t wrong.

Here’s the question:

I have a question on how to handle loyalty conflicts in complex situations.

I live in Europe, I am married to a poly guy, but I am his only relationship right now. We live together, we have a young child together, and I am emotionally and practically bound to my husband. We are good friends, love going on road trips, know each other well, and work on our intimate relationship, which has not always been easy, but which is improving.

I am also in a second relationship, a soul mate, deep love, romantic, erotic, bdsm relationship with a guy from the US who I have visited, who I love deeply, and who I would have married and had a monogamous relationship with, had I met him in a different situation, not being a mom in a different country.

While my husband is more a freedom seeker with a happy and easy going poly identity, neither Dom nor sadist but into shibari, which we love doing together, my soul mate is a calm structured Dom and sadist who understands me blindly in my desire to be sub and my excitement for spanking. My husband hates restrictions and labels, my soul mate dislikes the idea of an open bdsm relationship as he wants the power exchange part to be exclusive to us.

Both guys and myself are doing our best to make things work, doing my best to be as honest and open with my partners, but I often feel like I’m in the middle navigating others feelings and preferences. I am trying to keep privacy (not revealing intimate details about the other partner) while also trying not to keep secrets (that might blow up and hurt feelings if revealed later). I would like to develop a more 24/7 D/s relationship with my love abroad, but it feels hard to talk about it with my husband who is into poly relationships, but does not want his freedom restricted, trying new things with me, while the soul mate feels uncomfortable with a shared power exchange.

I have explained to my husband that I don’t think he is missing out on something, letting the other have their own practices such as punishing me or spanking me, as it does not seem to turn him on anyway, we tried and he did not feel much like it. But of course I cannot tell him not to change as a person or wanting to try new things at some point, and the fun and aesthetic shibari rope is something we do and which the other guy also knows about and accepts.

It is also tricky that developing a more elaborate 24/7 D/s relationship with my US soul mate gets emotionally intense for me. I love it, I want it, and I feel devoted to him as a submissive, I want to give all to him from my heart. But doing a 24/7 power exchange at a distance is something that gets into a practical and loyalty time-space conflict with my responsibilities as a parent and the easy going and fun spontaneity with my husband.

The three of us are in a place where we might be able to talk on zoom together soon. I have asked for such a meeting several times and it seems more possible after a year of trying to invite them, also knowing it will be a challenge for my bdsm soul mate from the US, who is not really a poly type, but who is also doing his best to let me take my life as a parent and wife seriously. I am convinced both guys would want to meet my wish to meet on Zoom, all three of us, to make me happy, but I still feel like my heart is torn between loyalties, practicalities, and the reality of not being able to cross the Atlantic ocean with ease.

I guess I am someone who wants to be as transparent as possible, but it is difficult for me to tell my husband about the bdsm part of my US relationship because of his freedom seeking and because of privacy issues. Also I do not want to push my soul mate to meet my husband on Zoom as I know my soulmate is not super happy with the poly part of the relationship, while still he and I are very happy with each other in both simply romantic affectionate love, intellectual understanding, and erotic compatibility. My main problem is that I constantly feel like I am letting someone down and while I am really trying my hardest to slowly build both relationships without pushing.

What else could I do other than having a lot of patience to talk things through, not pushing boundaries, building a foundation for a dialogue and trust slowly, and eventually figuring things out?