How We Explore New Kinks Together | 30 Days of D/s

We’re fairly set in our ways at this point in life. We know what we like, and we tend to stick with it. It probably has something to do with how routine-driven we are, too. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to explore new kinks and try new things.

So how do we do it? How do we get ourselves out of our old habits and try something new?

This is what we do.

We’re Always Communicating

By “communicating” I just mean talking. While some power exchange relationships may have very formal times set aside for discussions, we’re always talking to one another. It’s extremely common for one of us to say to the other, “I’ve been thinking about something…”

What comes next could be about what to have for dinner, plans for the weekend, or a new kink we’re curious about.

Because we know that kind of chit-chat is welcome and available, new ideas get introduced all the time. Neither of us is nervous about approaching the other about kinky fuckery, even if it’s something we’ve never considered before.

If there’s enough mutual interest, then we may set aside time to more formally discuss it or plan what we want to do. But casual chatting lets us explore all kinds of ideas more freely.

We Ask Questions

The person who brings up the new kink (and let’s be real, it’s usually John Brownstone) tends to do a little research first. That’s how we know we even want to try it in the first place. Once we bring it up to the other, we sit back and wait.

Why? Because invariably the other one (me) will have questions. How does this work? Have you thought about this risk? What if…?

Sometimes he has answers ready, and sometimes that’s a point for more research or to learn together.

Questions are never bad to ask. Neither of us assumes it means the other hates the idea. It’s all about risk-assessment and deciding if it’s something you want to pursue or not.

We Make a Plan

Most of our new-to-us fuckery requires new gear these days. When we wanted to try wax play, we bought multiple candles – after using some we already had. For electroplay, we needed toys. (We recognize we’re in a fortunate position to review products and that’s how we receive many toys.)

No matter what kink we want to try, we make a plan. (Yes, because we’re planners. But also to help think through potential risks and make sure we have time to play.)

• When will we try it?
• What toys or gear do we need?
• What kind of scene do we think would work best?
• Will we add other kinks to the scene? Impact play is our go-to but sometimes bondage is a good addition.

Because we make the plan together, we can talk through safety issues and keep asking questions.

We Start Slowly

Everything we try, we try slowly.

The first time I’m smacked with a paddle, he starts off with a light tap and works up to firmer taps. Then, and only then, will we scene or incorporate it into play.

When we started wax play, he tested the wax on my forearm from multiple angles and heights with different candles before ever pouring it anywhere else on my body.

With electroplay, we always start on the lowest settings in a fully lit room with most of our clothes on. Once we know how it works and find the right settings, then we’ll get kinky.

There’s no rushing into a scene with a new toy or kink. Why? Because that’s how you have to safeword out or have a miserable time. We’d rather take a little extra time before we play to figure out what something feels like and how it works. That allows me to give him information on how hard to go or which sensations I like best.

We Talk About It When We’re Done Playing

We love a good debrief: What did you like? How did that go? What did you think? Want to do it again?

But these conversations are especially important when we try a new kink.

It’s my job to give a full account of what I liked and what I didn’t like, what I think could be better, and, importantly, whether I’d do it again. And he has the same responsibility to share his thoughts and feelings.

We’re rarely disappointed in a kink after we play because we spend so much time researching and preparing. But that doesn’t mean there’s not important information to share. Doing this helps inform future scenes and whether this is a kink to do more often or not.

This conversation doesn’t prevent me from also providing feedback in the scene. If something doesn’t feel right or I don’t enjoy it, I’ll say something then, too. John Brownstone makes it easy for me by asking for a color (red means stop, green means go, and yellow means slowdown). But I’ll also speak up if something is off. During our post-scene conversation, we’ll talk about this feedback, too.

Bottom Line

We don’t recommend jumping into new kinks on a whim. Part of that is how we’re wired (we’re fairly cautious by nature) but there’s also a lot of risk in BDSM, even when you think something is “simple” or “no big deal.” So yes, we explore new kinks by moving fairly slowly and spending more time talking about the kink than anything else. Before we play for the first time, we want to know that we’ve each had the chance to understand what we’re doing, ask any questions we can think of, and really give it a lot of thought so we know exactly what we’re consenting to.

Want to figure out what Dominance, submission, and power exchange mean to you? You can do 30 Days of D/s, too. Get the 30 Days of D/s workbook here!