Where and How to Find Your BDSM Community | 30 Days of D/s
We think having some kind of BDSM community as a kinkster is vital. It might be a few friends you talk to only on Twitter or it might be your local munch that you attend faithfully every month. Knowing like-minded people who accept you as a kinkster can be very affirming and empowering. It’s nice knowing you’re not “the only one” who’s into BDSM.
Getting involved in a BDSM community isn’t a requirement to be kinky, and some people do well without it. But for those who are interested, the first question they tend to ask is, “How do I find other kinksters?” Below are several ways to find your community, both IRL and online.
In-Person BDSM Events
The number one place to find a BDSM event — munch, workshop, dungeon, education, etc. — continues to be Fetlife. Yes, Fet can be a cesspool of people who don’t respect boundaries (just like any online space). But it can also serve an important function, if you use it to search for information. And it’s easier than you realize.
- Login to Fetlife.
- Click on “Places”
- Look by state or country which lets you narrow down to cities.
- Alternately, you can use the search bar to type in your region, city, or county name.
- You can also click on “Events” and choose the “near you” option. This only works if you’ve added your correct location to your profile.
Here’s what some of this looks like in Fetlife:
If you hate the idea of Fetlife or refuse to log back in after one too many bad experiences, you do have another option: findamunch.com.
Some of the information is pulled from Fetlife but some organizers also add their events organically. Like Fetlife, you can search for events around the world (it’s not just US-based), but in the United States, you can see what’s available in your state. When I clicked on Florida, this is what I found:
Online BDSM Communities
Whether it’s because of the plague (that we’re still in) or because there are no good options available to you locally (for a variety of reasons), online BDSM communities can be a good alternative for many kinksters. People often wonder: Where are all the kinksters?
The simple but overwhelming answer is that we’re everywhere. Wherever people gather online, you’ll find kinksters. Sometimes, though, you have to look for us, and sometimes, we’re out in the open. Once you find a site, group, or person, there are a variety of ways to be part of the community.
- Kink websites made by kinksters for kinksters (You’ll have to register to join and there may be a fee for certain access)
- Fetlife
- The Cage
- Dating Kinky
- Fetish.com
- And a lot more
- Social media (Open and available to anyone with a login but platforms hide kink content all the time so it’s harder to find)
- Facebook groups (some secret, some not-so-secret)
- Twitter and Instagram (follow kink-related hashtags, assuming they aren’t banned by the platform)
- Chat servers, apps, and more (You may not learn about a group until you meet a kinkster who invites you to join)
- Discord servers
- Kik
- WhatsApp groups
- Kink educators and/or content creators (Kinksters who share knowledge and/or entertain you in a variety of ways)
- Streams and live chat events (Twitch, YouTube, etc — not all events will be kink-focused but it’s a chance for the community to get together online)
- Patreon (ahem, we’re on Patreon, too: click here)
If you find a kinky person talking about kink online, they likely have a site, events, Patreon, online groups, or some way to connect with other people who follow them. That’s a built-in community of like-minded people: they’re (usually) kinky and they like the same creator you like. You automatically have two things in common!
How to Behave in a BDSM Community
The first rule of any community is simple: don’t be an asshole. There’s more to it than that, but if you go into any kink space with an open-mind and an understanding of your personal boundaries (what is and isn’t okay for you), you’ll usually be fine.
Organized communities, especially those that have been around for a while, tend to have rules and expectations outlined for how they expect people to behave. Start there. When in doubt, ask questions about what’s okay and what isn’t.
Each type of community will develop it’s own culture and standards, as well. Whether in person or online, it’s never a bad idea to hang back and watch at first. See how people behave towards one another, how (if) rules are enforced, and what safety precautions are taken.
If you don’t like the vibe of a group, event, or community, leave as soon as you can. Those aren’t your people and that’s not the right space for you. You don’t have to twist yourself into knots to fit into a group. This isn’t high school anymore, y’all, and we shouldn’t have done it then, either!
For more concrete ideas and tips on how to behave in the BDSM community, we have a few resources for you:
5 Things You Should Know About Munches (video)
Being Good Members of Your Kink Community (blog post)
Helping New Members Feel Welcome in the Community (episode 180)
Playing Well With Others by Mollena Williams and Lee Harrington (book recommendation)
Amazon | Bookshop.org (affiliate link)
Bottomline:
It’s completely valid to keep your BDSM life at home and never venture out into the community at all. But there are definite benefits to it like feeling less alone in your kink and learning new things, while also sharing what you know with others. Finding other kinksters isn’t as difficult as you might think. We’re literally everywhere. But knowing where to look first can make the process a bit easier.
If you’ve found your BDSM community (online or in-person), feel free to comment and share where you found them (what site or type of event) and any advice you have for nervous kinksters.
Want to figure out what Dominance, submission, and power exchange mean to you? You can do 30 Days of D/s, too. Get the 30 Days of D/s workbook here!
